Owners of downmarket publications must flap and panic when Jordan doesn't do anything.
Not only is her every move reported for us to read in one long paragraph with an accompanying picture from 1998, it'll also be filmed for ITV 2. For someone who badgers on about the press intrusion on her privacy, Jordan seems to enjoy telling us whenever she wants to make a cake or clean the car.
Recently, a few people have hinted at the discomfort of seeing Jordan everywhere they go. From basic TV and radio appearances, the woman seems to crop up around building sites, university lectures and during safety briefings on planes. Some might even say that they?d want to banish her away for good so we could let some other annoying titty model take over. But sending her to the spirit world won't be an option for the foreseeable future. It looks like the ghosts and ghouls are already trying to banish Jordan from her Surrey mansion.
At first, it sounds likes some sort of rubbish plot for an updated version of Scooby Doo staring Jordan, Alex Reid, her ex Peter Andre and a couple of other uncast goons. Given the working title Pretend Ghouls v The Real Ghouls, we’d be treated to all kinds of orange-looking monsters trying to solve various mysterious. From The Case Of The Missing White Stiletto to The Search For The Lost Takeaway Of Cheesy Chips And Garlic Sauce, it'll take in all sorts of everyday goings on in Essex and try to make them amusing via animation.
However, it seems that one glorious pastime in Essex and across the UK has literally come to haunt Jordan. And that, of course, is the art of destroying your skin by turning it a crispy orangey brown colour and aging it by roughly forty years. We shit you not, but one of Jordan?s sun beds is supposedly hunted.
Whilst the original Scooby Doo gang would look at mysteries going on about knights, mummies and vampires, Jordan has to put up with what’s essentially a big George Foreman grill that’s on the fritz. A source told the News of the World:
“Katie has a sunbed room near the bottom of the house and she believes it’s haunted by a ghost. She’s seen shadows on a regular basis. A few weeks ago she thought the ghoul had tampered with the sunbed and she can’t get that out of her head.”
No doubt when the ghost is captured in the hoover, the story will be turned in to a multi-million pound book deal, movie or flogged to rubbish medium Derek Acorah for Living TV to broadcast. Of course, nothing is ever simple. And the straightforward explanation of a demented spirit who wants to slaughter the model in her sleep and use her implants to boost their own appearance could be something more ‘meaningful’. NOTW reports again:
?Jordan is really being haunted by her former flame Peter Andre and doesn’t like to be reminded of his presence at the house?.
Our solution to scaring off spirits? Just pump out various Peter Andre songs for the ghosts to hear. No-one living or dead should have to suffer them and they?ll quickly bag their ghosty bags and leave.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter