Times are tough for the Gosselins. One of them might be having an affair. Another might be an genuinely horrible witch.
Their kids are at the centre of an exploitation investigation. And they must all face up to the fact that people only watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 is because one day somebody’s bound to have a shrieking emotional breakdown and hold a child hostage behind a locked door with a jagged shard of crockery held to its throat. But things couldn’t get worse for Jon and Kate Gosselin, right?
Wrong – now they’ve been accused of animal abuse too. Hilarious.
The thing about cruelty, right, is that it gets boring so darn fast. One minute you’re making your spouse’s life a unrelenting nightmare by, say, sleeping with other women or withholding funds in your grasping little hands, and then that all starts to get a bit dull so you decide to rope your obscenely numerous children into starring in a reality TV show that’s mostly about the look of growing despair that spreads across their faces over the course of 40 episodes as they slowly come to realise that their parents don’t even like each other. And then that gets old too. So what do you do?
Simple, you start beating up your household pets.
Not that any of that has happened to Jon and Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8, though – true, Jon may have been accused of screwing around, and Kate may have been accused of being a fame-demented harpy determined to live her life out in public no matter the cost to her immediate family. And, yes, they might both be under investigation for child exploitation. But none of it has been proved – and if there’s one thing the Gosselins are not, it’s animal-abusers.
Unless, you know, you happen to listen to the complaints received by the Gosselins’ local Humane Society, which allege that the Gosselin kids beat up their two family dogs Shoka and Nala and bite them and pull them around by their tails and whatnot. Because then it might seem like they are animal abusers.
Not that any of it matters – the Humane Society doesn’t believe that the animals are in danger and Jon Gosselin has released a statement backing it all up:
We understand the responsibilities of being good dog owners. Whenever my kids are with Shoka and Nala, everyone is carefully supervised to ensure that no one dog or child is injured. Shoka and Nala are loyal companions who we consider members of our family. We would never do anything to hurt them, and treat them with the respect and love that they deserve.
See? Jon Gosselin thinks that his dogs are members of his own family, and as such would never do anything to hurt them. That means he wouldn’t, say, sleep around with a succession of other dogs behind their backs, or put his name on a number of books about raising dogs without their explicit permission, or force them to star in a reality TV show that they’ll one day grow up to realise was a painful portrait of a loveless marriage in its final gasps that was only made to satiate a relentless and inexplicable desire for attention and material wealth.
Nothing like that at all. They’re family, after all.
Anyway, tune in next week, when we admonish Jon and Kate Gosselin for verbally abusing some bacteria.