Jon & Kate Plus 8 has recently become must-watch television. It is, as they say, a non-stop thrill ride.
Obviously that’s assuming that your idea of a non-stop thrill ride involves watching a drearily mediocre TV show about a woman with a monstrously flappy uterus. But we have some bad news – the Jon & Kate Plus 8 thrill ride might be juddering to a halt.
On Monday’s show, Jon and Kate Gosselin are going to make a very serious announcement. Are they getting divorced? Ending the show? Doing anything of any worth whatsoever? No, that last one would clearly be quite ridiculous.
Following the Jon & Kate Plus 8 story over the last few months, it’s become clear that something had to give. At times – especially during the episode where a TV chef popped along to teach the children how to cook – we thought that something would be our will to live.
But perhaps more relevantly, the relationship between Jon and Kate Gosselin has been pushed to breaking point. Accusations of mutual infidelity, accusations of child labour violations, accusations of public spanking and accusations of some of the kids being a bit mean to a dog or something have pushed the family to the limit. Can the Gosselins really go on like this?
The short answer is ‘Yes, because they get paid a crapload to make Jon & Kate Plus 8, and the Gosselins strike us as the sort of family who’d attack pensioners with hammers if the money was right’ – but the longer answer comes in the form of this video…
Oh NO! That Jon & Kate Plus 8 promo sure did look ominous. Painful glances of unspoken resentment. Slightly too sincere guitar music. The word ‘turmoil’ written in unnecessarily large letters. What could this announcement possibly be? We can’t wait until Monday’s special episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 to find out. We have to know now. NOW, DAMN IT!
But it’s OK. We’re all smart people here, so we’ve analysed the Jon & Kate Plus 8 promo for you, to investigate exactly what this gigantic decision could be. Here are our findings:
* Jon and Kate Gosselin to divorce. Show to be retitled Kate Plus 8, Or Jon Plus 8 For One Weekend A Month.
* Jon to leave Kate for one of the women he’s been rumoured to be having an affair with. Show to be retitled Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus THAT WHORE.
* Jon and Kate Gosselin to divorce, with new shows to be created for each family member. Shows to be titled Jon, Kate, Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, Kid 4, Kid 5, Kid 6, Kid 7 and The Miraculous Escapades Of Dr Morgilikles And His Time Travelling Space-Manatee.
* Jon and Kate Gosselin realise that all these accusations of abuse are working wonders for their ratings. Show to be retitled Jon & Kate Plus The 8 Kids They Keep In An Airless Pinata.
* Jon and Kate Gosselin to divorce, Kate to keep the kids. New show commissioned, entitled Jon Plus Six Day’s Worth Of Stubble, Bright Red Eyes, A Bucket Full Of Quaaludes And His New Imaginary Children Which Are Just Pillows With Sad Faced Drawn Onto Them With Permanent Marker Pen.
* Jon & Kate Gosselin to stay together forever and refuse to stop making current show, out of fear that if they stop one of their children might get out of this whole sorry mess without any real emotional problems, and that was sort of the point of the whole thing to begin with.
We’ll just have to wait and see. Monday can’t come soon enough.