Jon & Kate Latest: People You Don’t Know Do Crap You Don’t Care About

Jon & Kate, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Jon & Kate controversyJon & Kate Plus 8. Not the name of a horrific-sounding midget-porn movie. It’s the reality show that everyone is talking about.

Alright, not everyone. We haven’t been talking about Jon & Kate Plus 8. But that’s because we’ve only figured out what it is. It’s a show about a couple plagued by the fact that the woman keeps machinegunning babies out of her vagina and one of them hit the milkman in the eye. Or something.

Anyway, long story short, both Jon and Kate might be shagging other people and they’re bad parents and will go to hell. Again, or something.

You know all this kerfuffle about Jordan and Peter Andre, and how you don’t know if they’re really splitting up or it’s just an act, and how you can’t be bothered to find out because wasting even a fraction of your brainpower on those bright orange clueless dicksplats would make you just as bad as them and you’d feel duty-bound to fling yourself under an industrial threshing machine as penance? You do? Good.

Because in America a similar saga is unfolding, and it too revolves around a couple who’ve inexplicably been given a reality show. Jon & Kate Plus 8 is a show based on two facts: 1) Jon and Kate Gosselin have eight children, and 2) the word ‘Kate’ rhymes with the word ‘eight’. One suspects that if Kate were ever to have another child, a shady network executive would urge her to put it in a binbag with a brick and drop it down a well. But this is just a horrifying tangent.

The reason why Jon & Kate Plus 8 is such a hot topic is because it might all be a sham. It’s been claimed that Jon has a string of mistresses, that Kate had an affair with her bodyguard and that Baby Number Six is actually a shaved Ewok with a catastrophic heroin addiction. Or something.

Anyway, all this media intrusion is wrecking Kate Gosselin’s personal life, as the reality show star told every magazine in the world to promote the new season of her reality show that’s about her personal life and nothing more. According to Seattle PI:

Kate Gosselin says being stalked by paparazzi is “hell,” and she feels the pain of celebrities who deal with it constantly. “It’s so scary. It’s like one of those movies where you have to change your identity and go underground. I’ve been saying, ‘Let’s find a country where our show doesn’t air, and let’s just go there until this all dies.’ I have to laugh about this, or else I’ll cry. It’s a matter of, when will they stop?”

What’s the point of all this? We think it’s ‘hey, don’t forget to watch the new season of Jon & Kate Plus 8 this coming Monday, only on TLC’. But it might also be ‘stick in there, because these kids are going to be trainwrecks when they grow up, and everybody likes a trainwreck’. Or it might be ‘why hasn’t anybody got anything better to do with their lives than obsess about any of this?’

If we could bring ourselves to care enough, we’d tell you. But, hey, we can’t.

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  1. says

    Everyone who has a ridiculous number of children gets a reality show in America, Mr. Heritage.

    Surely you know of 18 Kids and Counting, about the Duggar family and their massive brood? All of those children were conceived without scientific intervention, as well. Michelle Duggar has been pregnant so consistently that it might as well be a metaphysical condition.

    That show is also a TLC production, though, so maybe it’s just that everyone who has a ridiculous number of children gets a reality show on TLC.

    They do love their freakshows on TLC. One time recently they ran a marathon of a series called I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!

  2. Sarah says

    I’m so glad I got rid of my cable. Back in those days, TLC stood for the Learning Channel. What happened?

  3. says

    I LOVE your article. I didn’t know you could make up anything and just end it with “or something” lol, I should try that :)

    Anyway I’m one of those who knows very little about them but have heard the rumors so much that suddenly I just HAD to find out more! Then just one day after getting interested in their lives, I found out it could be a sham and felt lke an idiot for buying into it in the first place!

    I am a reality TV lover but have not seen this show yet, however I’m sorry to say I might just have to watch this monday’s premiere b/c I just gotta know how they react to all these rumors.

    But every reality show is a sham… or something :)

  4. Ruth M. Cornish says

    I really dont see where the Gosselin kids are upset about the people filming them in their home. The kids seem to love them. As to John and Kate, those that don’t live in their home with them should just keep their opinions to themselves. None of us live in glass houses. I, myself am very dicusted with the church that “kicked them out” I went to the same church in another state. Oh, they preach good sermons, but forget about the verse in the bible, “judge not, lest ye be judged”.
    My kids are all grown now and none attend that church. They should have had a prayer meeting for them instead of JUDGING them. I remember when my 6 kids were small and there were times when I “lost it”, so don’t judge Kate and Jon unless you have lives in their shoes. My prayers are with the whole family!