We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.
That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.
So much of the Jon and Kate Gosselin story is mired in such all-encompassing depression that even thinking of words that rhyme with their surname – like ‘nozzling’ or whatever – make us want to slash away at our wrists and throat with a set of nail scissors. Honestly, their life is just a never-ending catalogue of misery. There’s the divorce, the televised breakdowns, the slow collapse of their TV show, the fact that their children are going to grow up to hate them, Kate’s stupid hair – the gloom simply refuses to let up.
Having said that, two tiny chinks of sunlight have broken through the clouds today. First, today marks the final-ever episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. True, this is only a partial victory because it’s likely to be replaced by a show called Kate Plus 8 or, failing that, Kate Gosselin: I Can Do This On My Own or, failing that, Some Other Awful Bastards With Too Many Poxy Children, but let’s soak in what little pleasure this gives us while we can.
Secondly, Jon and Kate Gosselin have finalised their divorce settlement. This means that they won’t insist on weeping into the nearest camera about how unreasonable the other one is all the time. People has divorce details:
“This was the proceeding that essentially ended their marriage,” says the source.”Kate is just relieved that a very painful chapter of her life is nearly over, and she is looking forward to building a better, brighter future for herself and her kids.” During the hearing, Jon “didn’t dispute Kate having primary custody of the kids,” says the source, which came as no surprise to Kate.
So Kate’s getting primary custody of the kids, huh? That makes sense – if that kiss and tell story from a few months ago was anything to go by, then Jon’s idea of considerate parenting is closing the bathroom door before having it off with the nanny in the hot tub. Meanwhile Kate only hits her children, deprives them of water and scares the living daylights out of them with her dreadful haircut, which is markedly more considerate.
But quality of parenting doesn’t matter any more. The only thing that matters is that this is the full stop that the Jon and Kate story needs. Or, if not a full stop, then an asterisk that’s followed by a footnote reading ‘Then they were all eaten by lions. Nobody cried.’ One or the other.
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Eugene says
I was at the supermarket over the weekend, and couldn’t help noticing that for the first time in months, there wasn’t a single item on the cover of any of the sleaze mags about Jon minus Kate.
Perhaps the long national nightmare truly is over. I hope so.
lauri says
Stuart I find your article awful, epsecially the titles you show as possible new shows. If you were not interested in the Gosselins you did not have to read the stories. Why is it that people have decided to hate this family. There are so many problems in the world, why don’t you use your column to write about them. I bet if TLC came to you or the haters and said I will pay you thousands of dollars to follow your families life you would do so also. They filmed two to three hours two or three days a week, kids that go to day care spend more time there with strangers, so why is it so bad to spend time at home with there parents and some film crews. There are children in soap operas and sitcoms that tape daily for hours. You go out and trash people, when you don’t have a clue. I have told my kids they had to wait to get a drink before, so we wouldn’t have any emergency potty break. Grow up and stop trashing people, it makes you no better then they are.
Kim says
Its too much with them-overkill!!! I have been done with them for while. I hope they don’t get any more public attention, shows, interviews, etc… so they can finally focus on the kids which they haven’t done in 5 yrs. Nice job TLC- I know you didn’t expect this but please know when the cow is dried up and let go before your reputaion follows theirs- I still enjoy many of your shows and see the integrity, but what are you doing here? You are in no way responsible for Kate and providing her family’s future forever…come on now, what do you think of your viewers? I am very doubtful the kids will finally become #1 from all the focus and concern of both parent on the future in TV and the prospect of “A New Show” or the funniest of all…”Kate wants to be in movies” (I love it, I would pay NOT to see it or hear her voice). They are doing this to themselves and its becoming more apparent with every interview and these little hints and some exciting(not) scheme to keep it going and NO focus on family and raising confident, well adjusted, happy kids.So sad. Obviously, the media will have to be done with it before they go away because out of choice 1) Fame,Money,Publicity, Exposure 2) Kids, Home, Family, Love…. Its apparent which both would choose-Shame,Shame,Shame!!! Worse is the fact that they either have no idea how this is going to affect the kids later in life or they don’t care because they are too wrapped up in themselves. More I think about it, they are perfect for each other but not perfect for those innocent kids who only want love, attention, praise, and who need normalcy!!! Its not like they are the kids of “Famous/Talented Movie Stars” in which they might feel the need to live up to- what do they have to live up to? Lies, controversy,TV plots+schemes? Did J+K think this was going to last forever, be permanent, and follow around teenagers waiting for them to do something “cute”? I can see them origionally agreeing and doing it temporarily for a temporary “cash injection”, like some other on reality tv but what awful reality would put their own family in this place and what expectations did they have? Was it worth destroying their family and “airing all dirty laundy”! Enough is Enough!!! I got to stop now, the more I think…worse it gets. FAREWELL J+K+8!!! Good Luck and as the old saying goes “get your house in order”-PLEASE!!! Sincerely, Best OF Luck Little Ones:)