Oh boy, we didn’t see this coming. Remember when Jon and Kate Gosselin said they were making an announcement? Well, they’ve made it.

In our office Jon & Kate Plus 8 sweepstake, we put money on the announcement being about a new recipe for gooseberry jam. But no – in a move that literally nobody on Earth could have possibly seen coming, Jon and Kate Gosselin have stunningly revealed that they’re to split.

That’s split as in divorce, by the way, not split as in split open their kids’ skulls with a hammer if they answer back. Although that’s probably feasible too.

This is a sad day indeed. Jon and Kate Gosselin weren’t just the parents of eight overbearing attention-starved showbiz kids, they were everyone’s parents. And, just like our real parents, we didn’t even know that Jon and Kate Gosselin existed until about three months ago when they started pulling sad faces on the front covers of several magazines that we don’t read because someone had accused them of infidelity. It’s a universal story.

And now, like a flash, it’s all over. Last night in a special hour-long episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon and Kate Gosselin told the world that they’re splitting up. Or at least they told the portion of the world that a) knows who Jon & Kate Gosselin are, b) can somehow bring itself to care about either of them and c) hadn’t already worked out that the announcement was going to involve a divorce sometime in the middle of last week. So about three people. Jon and Kate Gosselin told about three people that they’re splitting up.

Nevertheless, Reuters reports:

“Kate and I have decided to separate,” Jon Gosselin said just over 40 minutes into a one-hour episode. “I don’t hate him, never have, never will,” Kate Gosselin said. “I don’t hate Kate,” Jon said. “We don’t have anything now,” said Jon, who criticized the media scrutiny the family has faced in recent years.

Wow, Jon Gosselin’s right – he and Kate really don’t have anything now. Except, you know, a massive house, millions of dollars of income and, oh, what was that other thing that they have? Oh yeah – eight bloody children that they still have to look after. And it’s perfectly fair of him to blame the split on the media, too. Stupid media and its stupid habit of reporting things that have actually happened. When will it learn?

But anyway, this news that Jon and Kate Gosselin are splitting up has probably left you quivering and inconsolable, so let’s do the sensible thing and let’s remember all the good times that they had together – like when they were accused of exploiting their children for monetary gain, or when they were investigated for animal abuse, or when they openly hit their kids in front of photographers. Golden moments, one and all. We’ll miss you, Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Wait, what’s that? This isn’t the end of Jon & Kate Plus 8? Jon and Kate will still live in their house with the kids during their time with them, and all interviews for the show will be conducted separately? We suppose that makes sense – this is bound to be a rough time for the kids, so it’s probably wise to stick to the same routine they’ve grown used to in order to protect them from emotional damage. Good.

Now, so long as neither Jon or Kate Gosselin decide to make creepy, heartless overtures hinting that the only reason they’re allowing the series to continue is because of all the money they’ll get from it, we think we’re OK with this. Isn’t that right, Kate Gosselin?

“How does the show go on? The show MUST go on!”

Oh you couldn’t sodding help yourself, could you?

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