Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?
We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.
Now that Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been mercifully covered with a blanket and shot in the head, it’s only a matter of time before Jon and Kate Gosselin start popping up in other places. Kate Gosselin, it’s rumoured, could end up with a reality show about being a single mother. And as for Jon Gosselin? if he isn’t given an Odd Couple-style reality TV show starring him and Michael Lohan called something like Come And Watch The Two Worst People On The Face Of The Earth Being Dicks To Everyone by this time next year, it’ll be a tragedy.
Because, christ, the two of them. They’ve both got their own individual ideas on parenting – Jon Gosselin prefers to have sex with nannies in hot tubs while his children are sleeping, Michael Lohan likes to threaten to kidnap his kids in public – but when they come together, it’s a non-stop funride of hilarity all the way. And when we say ‘hilarity’ we mean ‘genuinely creepy paranoia.
A taped phone call, ostensibly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan, has hit the internet. In it, Gosselin alleges that Jon & Kate Plus 8‘s network TLC took money from deals the family had made with magazines. Although that’s not quite how Jon Gosselin put it. RadarOnline reports:
It’s clear that Jon believes his (supposed) knowledge of these deals means TLC will not stop him from talking . He says “They haven’t said (bleep).” The Jon & Kate Plus 8 former star claims TLC got paid in a side deal and says “I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it? It’s disgusting.”
Now, part of us thinks that it might be a little late to start worrying about exposing your children to paedophiles after allowing them to star in their own TV show for two and a half years. And another part of us thinks that, regardless of this weird paedophile threat, the children would be better off if Jon Gosselin could somehow refrain from banging on about them like a twat all the time.
The biggest part of us, though, just really really wants all of the Gosselins – and Michael Lohan as well, now that he’s part of it – to be bundled into a sack and dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Please.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
Eugene says
I like the idea of bundling Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan in a sack and dropping them off in the middle of nowhere.
I would add that the particular ‘nowhere’ of choice ought to be somewhere in the middle of the North Atlantic ocean or similar.
Patricia says
No better yet Afganastan would be a great place to drop that pair