Somewhere in France, Vanessa Paradis is digging little pins into a tiny Jack Sparrow voodoo doll, and I really can’t blame her. Vanessa stood by Johnny Depp’s ass for 14 years and gave him 2 children, but he never put a ring on it. Now, after five minutes of dating the 27-year-old piece he left her for, Amber Heard, he’s already popped the question.
Depp reportedly asked Heard to marry him on Christmas Eve, but she held off on wearing the ring until pretty recently so people would mind their business (people never mind their business). Looking at pictures of Amber and Johnny is like looking at a better cast version of the Paris Hilton film The Hottie and the Nottie. Amber is a mega babe, while Johnny hasn’t appeal to any of my senses in like a decade.
Johnny Depp’s looks are about as great as his career is right now, but I can’t really blame Amber for wanting to marry a guy that’s old enough to be her dad. Some people might think she’s doing it for money or publicity, but I know better. I spent years cropping my face on to pictures of Gary Oldman’s wife on the red carpet with him and genuinely believed he would be my first husband and father my first child. Yes, I am a raging psychopath. Gary Oldman is 28-years-old than me, several years older than my father, but I would’ve married him in a heartbeat, so I get Amber’s older dude attraction.
More importantly, I get Johnny’s attraction to her. Johnny was with Grade A bitches like Winona Ryder and Kate Moss in their prime, it makes sense that he’d want to wife up a chick that looks like a 1994 Guess girl. I mean, have you seen Amber Heard?
I won’t lie, I was actually really bummed when Amber started going out with Johnny, not because it ended his relationship with his babymama because I don’t care about that, no, I was upset because it ended her run as a super sexy Hollywood lesbian. You know who loves hot lesbians? Girls. I honestly think girls find sexy lesbians hotter than guys do. When I think a girl is hot, that’s cool, but when I think a girl is hot and then I find out she’s a lesbian? It takes her to a whole new level of hot.
Amber dated the uber sexy Tasya Van Ree for years and they were the hot lesbian couple of my dreams until Johnny Depp came along with his weird gold tooth and stupid hair and ruined all that.
I cannot believe that Amber dumped that hot piece for Johnny Depp. Let’s be real: Johnny Depp looks like a creep middle-aged man version of Tasya Van Ree. Who chooses the creepy middle-aged man version of something?! Also, it makes total sense for a lesbian to dress this way, NOT Johnny Depp.
Either way, I guess Amber has sadly decided to stick to the straight side and let Johnny wife her up. The world has lost a sexy lesbian and no one is sadder than me.