The People's Choice Awards are that rarest of awards ceremonies, where the public comes together as one to make the hardest decisions of their lives, like which celebrity has got the nicest hair and if Deal Or No Deal is better than American Idol.
The first round of People's Choice Award nominations for next year's awards took place yesterday, and they sure didn't disappoint fans of lowest common denominator entertainment everywhere. Specifically the People's Choice nominations also didn't disappoint Johnny Depp, who is up for People's Choice Awards for Best Movie Star, Male Action Star and On-Screen Match-Up. It's thought that The People's Choice Awards 2007 will belong to Johnny Depp, who will no doubt count winning an award for dressing up as a pirate and running around in a big wheel as the crowning achievement of his 20-year dedication to art-house cinema.
If you ever needed a gauge to find the most crassly populist films, songs and TV shows then the People's Choice Awards are it. Year in and year out the People's Choice Awards earnestly hands out trophies for nonsense like the Crest Whitestrips Fan's Favourite Smile and, because the public voted for it, celebrities feel obliged to turn up and give gushing thank-you speeches to make sure that they keep getting paid millions of dollars to wear piratey clothes and do a bit of a funny run.
At last year's People's Choice Awards, the critical cinematic trends of 2005 – like gay cowboys and lengthy ensemble-performed medications on the implications of an institutionally racist society – were kicked out in favour of throwing awards at Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the last Star Wars film where Darth Vader goes "Nooooooo!" at the end. This year, however, nothing has changed; although the People's Choice Awards people did somehow manage to find the most controversial gang of TV stars around to announce the nominations, including Grey's Anatomy fist-tornado Isaiah Washington and recently-outed infant doctor Neil Patrick Harris. Slide in Kirstie Alley in a bikini and Jayden James Federline and it would have been a full house.
As for the People's Choice Award nominations themselves, Best Female Movie Star will be a toss-up between Chris Moyles-hating Halle Berry – who in the last 12 months has been in about 20 minutes of the last X Men film and nothing else; Jennifer Aniston – who, in between calling the public "insane bull-eaters," has been in some of the year's worst films; and Sandra Bullock – who was in The Lake House and the Truman Capote film that didn't win any awards, and also picked up a stalker along the way. Meanwhile the Best Male Movie Star People's Choice Award nominations go to funny pirate Johnny Depp, dreadful-haired Jesus detective Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington, who was only in that Inside Man film you'd already forgotten about.
You want to know who else got nominations for the People's Choice Awards, don't you? We can tell. Here you go, then – don't say we never give you anything…
Leading lady: Cameron Diaz, Kirsten Dunst, Scarlett Johansson.
Leading man: Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn.
Female action star: Kate Beckinsale, Halle Berry, Uma Thurman.
Male action star: Johnny Depp, Samuel L. Jackson, Jet Li.
On-screen matchup:Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up; Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed; Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.
Female singer: Faith Hill, Shakira, Carrie Underwood.
Male singer: Trace Adkins, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith.
Group: Black Eyed Peas, Nickelback, Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Pop song: Hips Don’t Lie, Shakira; Promiscuous, Nelly Furtado; Stupid Girls, Pink.
Rock song: Call Me When You’re Sober, Evanescence; Dani California, Red Hot Chili Peppers; Who Says You Can’t Go Home, Bon Jovi.
R&B song: Ain’t No Other Man, Christina Aguilera; Sexyback, Justin Timberlake; Shake It Off, Mariah Carey.
Hip-Hop song: Grillz, Nelly; Ridin’, Chamillionaire; Shake That, Eminem.
Country song: Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood; What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts; When the Stars Go Blue, Tim McGraw.
TV comedy: The King of Queens, My Name Is Earl, Two and a Half Men.
Animated TV comedy: Family Guy, King of the Hill, The Simpsons.
TV drama: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, Grey’s Anatomy, House.
Competition/Reality show: American Idol, Deal or No Deal, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
Talk-show host: Ellen DeGeneres, Jay Leno, Oprah Winfrey.
Female TV star: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Eva Longoria, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Male TV star: Patrick Dempsey, Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland.
Funny female star: Ellen DeGeneres, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Queen Latifah.
Funny male star: Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Robin Williams.
You can find out which of these the relentlessly populist, slack-jawed, possibly slightly dim People's Choice Awards voters chose to win when the People's Choice Awards take place in January. And, don't worry, we'll also bring you the nominees for lovely hair, teeth and glowing skin when they come out too. If we can bring ourselves to.
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Jake.Vitler says
This was such a great website and i am gay so i loooooooooooooove Johnny Depp.if i met5 him i would kiss him iam 13yo