Johnny Borrell To Be Murdered
April 4th, 2008 at 12:00 by Callum de Caestecker
Good news, people: the world’s second biggest twat, otherwise known as Jonathan Edward Borrell, is to be murdered.
OK, OK, yeahyeahyeah, it’s only going to happen in a movie, but sometimes life imitates art, right? Right? Right. We can but hope. Our fingers remain firmly crossed.
Borrell is to star in the new film by Antonia Bird and Irvine Welsh, named The Meat Trade, and will be killed by two grave robbers, played by Robert Carlyle and Colin Firth. Jonathan Edward told the Daily Star:
"It's going to be so much fun. I love horror and I'm a really big fan of Irvine Welsh's work. I loved Trainspotting."
Oh, it’s horror! There should be lots of blood then. Let’s hope Antonia and Irvine get twat number one, Bono, involved. And Keane. And The Feeling. Oh, please The Feeling. And why not stab Luke Pritchard of The Kooks in the mouth with a rusty screwdriver while you’re at it? Why not?
The film is about two body snatchers snatching bodies in Edinburgh and should be released sometime next year. Hecklerspray waits with baited breath. But how will Borrell die, Irvine?
Hecklerspray likes to think Carlyle and Firth will recruit sometime actor Bob Dylan to do this excellent deed. On the release of his band’s debut, Up All Night, Borrell spouted some awful shit out of his mouth-arsehole which decided it was better than Dylan’s first album proper. Get your own back, Bob. But do it for real like Brandon Lee. Come on. Be a sport.
Or, if Bob can’t be reached for some reason, why not contact Morrissey? Borrell did “feel sorry” for Moz when he somehow didn’t manage to draw as big a crowd at V Festival a few years back. People really are stupid.
You are now officially 87% stupider if you voluntarily listen to Johnny Borrell’s arsehole gibberings with feelings of enjoyment. Really. They’ve done tests and everything. We don’t know who “they” are but we’re sure these tests have been done. Kind of.
Too harsh? Not harsh enough we say.
Release Mark Chapman already.
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April 4th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Why you so angwy? And what you gonna ‘bait’ your breath wiv?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
There’s a problem with your plan about The Kooks.
Namely, who would be able to tell if it was someone from The Kooks, or one of their identikit sound-a-likes The Hoosiers, the Wombats, Pidgeon Detectives or one of the other myriad skinny jean’ed, curly/ floppy mop, gor-blimey-cheeky-chappy drivel merchants? Eh? Eh?
At least The Enemy and the Fratellis aren’t scared of distortion pedals and BIG sounds. But don’t get me started on that…
April 4th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
just out of interest, who is the worlds biggest twat????
April 4th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
“Let’s hope Antonia and Irvine get twat number one, Bono, involved”
Points to relevant paragraph. See, right there? Callum’s not one to pass up a dramatic writing technique like hooking you with that very question, then answering it a few paragraphs later. Keeps you reading, see?
Although I confess I thought it would be Heather Mills. Or Chris Martin.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
A list of the Top Ten World’s Biggest Twats?
So little time, so many egos…
Sting - lute music, an album named after a Jungian principle? 10/10
P-Doh - everything 8/10
NKOTB - circle jerk cash grab; being professionally charming to preteens and dowagers 11/10
Bono - Self importance, idiocy 7/10
Heather Mills - files her teeth, not nearly as bright as she is avericious 6/10
Sir Paul - married Heather Mills, Hey Jude, emotionally cloying 2/10
Ricky Martin - who? 23/10
Christine Aguillera, Argu-illa, Anguishima, whatever - eating babies for cash 72/10
Mariah Carey - world dominating soulless ghoul of the airwaves 1/1
Dead Elvis - Crappy renditions of Beethoven songs from beyond the grave, while continuing his covert work as an anti-drug crusading CIA agent trying to blacklist the Beatles, who are also dead (mostly), in a dead-handed cash grab and fame flaming,
when he can’t use either 103/10