John Woo (DVDs). What a funny little moviemaking fella he is. What with his obsession with doves and his slow-motion gunfights and that bit in Face/Off (DVD) where John Travolta (DVD) briefly morphs into Jesus for no reason whatsoever.
A strange chap all round, then. Which is why hecklerspray can’t help but raise two curious eyebrows at the news that Tiger Hill Entertainment – little John’s production company – has scribbled down some sinister dealings with ‘Master Of The Macabre’ (Copyright: every tabloid column in history) Clive Barker (books/ DVDs).
‘Demonik’ – Barker’s vision of a third-person action game in which the player becomes "the ultimate bad guy, wreaking havoc with a variety of innovative and spectacular powers and abilities" – will be unleashed on the next-generation consoles sometime next year.
Meanwhile, Barker has been signed up to scribe a movie treatment … a scary little story chock-full of that trademark ‘Barker darkness’, apparently.
hecklerspray can only stroke its chin in thoughtful anticipation – perhaps this could be the first movie to break the tried and tested ‘video game adaptation equals monumental pile of poo’ formula. Let’s face it: both Tomb Raider (DVDs) movies were cack on an almost epic scale. And plans have already been announced to bury every tattered VHS copy of Super Mario Brothers (DVD) far beneath the gravelly surface of the moon … or they should be, at least (if you’re reading this, Mr. Hoskins (DVDs), you’ve got a fair bit of money, haven’t you? Fancy financing such a scheme? It’d make a better world for everyone, we assure you).
Next up: Monkey Island, the big-budget adaptation of the Amiga favourite in which Orlando Bloom (DVDs) spends six hours trying to figure out a puzzle involving a key and a magnet. Don’t sneer … it can’t be much worse than The Calcium Kid (DVD), now can it?
[story by C J Davies]