The world is full of powerful people just waiting to be extorted. Royalty. Oligarchs. Tech billionaires.

Notice who isn’t on that list? John Stamos. John Stamos isn’t a man who you’d ever want to extort. Not because he’s lived such a perfect life that nobody can get any dirt on him, or because he’s such a ferocious wildman that he’d chase you down and beat you into a coma if you ever even so much as thought about extorting him, but because what’s the point? It’s John Stamos. When has anybody ever cared about anything that John Stamos has done?

That hasn’t stopped two people from getting arrested for allegedly extorting John Stamos, though. The idiots.

The thing that makes it difficult to comprehend why anybody would ever try to extort John Stamos – apart from the obvious reason of John Stamos’ life having no discernible value to anyone – is that all his worst transgressions have been made in public. This is a man, remember, who once ruined a perfectly good Beach Boys song by giving it a heavy metal guitar solo, a new-age bongo breakdown and a video that featured him unironically kissing a baby’s forehead in a candle-filled church - with the help of the actual Beach Boys – and then showed it on television. On purpose.

You can’t ruin the reputation of a man willing to voluntarily show the world what a profoundly woeful arse he’s capable of being. You just can’t. Nothing has ever been invented that’s worse than John Stamos’ Beach Boys video. Extorting him would be a exercise in utter futility.

But that didn’t stop Allison Coss and Scott Sippola from allegedly trying. They’ve both been arrested on suspicion of attempting to extort John Stamos for $680,000. But what were they extorting him with? What could possibly be so terrible that people assumed John Stamos would fork over more than half a million dollars to keep it quiet? The LA Times has the shocking answers:

Two people were arrested Dec. 2 in connection with an FBI sting aimed at busting a plot to extract $680,000 from Stamos – so that pictures taken during a 2004 party wouldn’t be sold to the tabloids and cause harm to the “Full House” and “ER” actor’s reputation… The pictures reportedly are of John posing with fans, his rep said, adding that the images will be made public.

That’s it? Some pictures of John Stamos with some fans that are so toothless that John Stamos is going to release them to the public as soon as the extortion investigation is over? What were these idiots thinking? Didn’t they see his Beach Boys video? The man walked around in a pair of torn acid wash jeans, for crying out loud! He can’t be harmed by a couple of silly photos!

Actually, we will profess to being a little shocked by the description of the photos. John Stamos has fans. Who knew?

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