Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular.

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.

As everyone knows, the traditional figurehead of Christmas is a jolly old fat bloke who can just about manage a single day’s worth of strenuous activity a year before needing to take several months off afterwards to recuperate. Everyone loves him, even though he looks like he’s enjoyed so much free booze and food in his life that he could keel over clutching his chest any minute.

But enough about John Sergeant, Christmas is also about Santa Claus, too.

John Sergeant’s talent for dancing like a hobbled pensioner trying to discharge himself from hospital without anyone noticing meant that he quickly became the people’s champion on Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least he was before he decided that he didn’t like lady Scousers with faces like sunken bread dough being nasty to him and resigned from the show in a flounce a couple of weeks ago.

But that happened a couple of weeks ago – a lifetime in reality TV shows. Now the people’s champion is Martina Navratilova or that bloke from Dollar or any number of the utterly interchangeable WAGs on I’m Not A Celebrity But I Still Expect You To Care About Me, and that leaves John Sergeant in something of a pickle.

With all the public goodwill towards him evaporating at a devastating rate, John Sergeant knows that he has to make a bold move to stem the tide; an all or nothing roll of the dice that will either consolidate his fame for years to come or see him wheeled out to the dustbin like a pile of broken-veined rubbish. So that’s what he’s done. And, as the News Of The World reports, the result literally doesn’t make any sense at all:

Strictly hero John Sergeant has swapped Cha Cha Cha for La La La – and recorded a SONG in a bid to be the Christmas No1. We can reveal that the flat-footed political journalist has teamed up with Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley of The One Show to make the charity single. An insider said: “John is such hot property right now and The One Show is delighted to have him involved. As for whether his singing is better than his dancing, the great British public will ultimately decide that.”

Oh, brilliant – a Christmas single. A Christmas single performed by the dreary-voiced man who used to be on the news and the dreary-voiced man who does the pointless show that comes after The Apprentice that reminds everyone exactly what happened on the episode of The Apprentice that they were just watching. Singing a song that reminds people about human suffering. Sounds like a winner to us.

Actually that’s slightly unfair of us – we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet, so for all we know it might be brilliant. To be fair, the primary reason we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet is because it almost certainly won’t be brilliant and we’ll end up wanting to hang ourselves by the start of the second verse, but still. Christmas, eh?

Read more:

Top Of The Chops – News Of The World