Having watched the last season of 24, we’re fully aware that you can never trust a politician’s offspring.

Statistically, they’re all quite likely to blow up Jon Voight, and that’s a fact. They’ll blow up Jon Voight and then they’ll make their mother, President Moonface, quite sad. But it’s not just fictional political children who are trouble – Alexandra Kerry, the daughter of failed 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI.

But don’t worry – she wasn’t quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. It’s funny, because if we were Alexandra Kerry we’d have stopped going to bars long ago. There are only so many times you can put up with people saying “Why the long face?” after all.

Millions of people want to be famous, but we think they’ve got this all the wrong way round. Being famous is rubbish. All that intrusion and pressure and recognition can really wear you down. No, it’s much better to be related to someone famous. That way you can pretty much drive around like a massively irresponsible tool whenever you like. It’s why Paris Hilton’s little brother was arrested for driving drunk, why Al Gore’s son was arrested for driving around on pot, why Hulk Hogan’s son wrapped his car around a tree and why John Kerry’s daughter was arrested for DUI this week.

Oh, come on. You remember John Kerry. He was going to be president of America in 2004, until people decided that he wasn’t even as good as George Bush. Dull man. Face shaped like a coffin. You remember him. Anyway, early on Thursday morning his 36-year-old daughter Alexandra was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Hollywood. And, yes, you’re right, this is an incredibly slow news day.

However, even though we think that Alexandra Kerry would actually make quite a good jailbird, on the basis that her chin is so narrow and pointy that she could easily use it to shank a nonce in the ribs, that’s not going to happen. Because, although Alexandra Kerry was drunk, she wasn’t quite drunk enough for it to be illegal. The New York Daily News reports:

Alexandra Forbes Kerry, the older of the senator’s two daughters, was pulled over for a traffic violation. “She was arrested for driving under the influence,” said Officer Sara Faden, who added that Kerry was released on $5,000 bail. Kerry refused to take Breathalyzer test at the scene. A later test showed a level of 0.06, under the legal limit of 0.08.

Good for Alexandra Kerry. She’s a model citizen who knows her limit – drunk enough to be pulled over by the police, but not drunk enough to be arrested for it. Well done, Alexandra. Well done indeed. And don’t think for a moment that her father’s status helped Alexandra Kerry escape punishment, because if you take that into consideration, you also have to take the fact that she directed the pilot episode of The Hills into consideration as well, and most right-minded people would react to that news by jamming a lethal injection straight into her neck.

Anyway, join us next week when – unless the news gets any more interesting – we’ll break the hot news that Iain Duncan Smith’s cat has got trapped in a bloody suitcase or whatever.

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