JJ Abrams To Direct A Star Wars Film (And Become a God)

The Star Wars logo.

America used to be an optimistic place. We were certain that things would get better if we only put in the effort. Though Y2K was looming and the country would soon be ruled by the runt of the litter in George Bush Sr’s chimpanzee pen, there was a sense that everything was gonna be alright. Plus, new Star Wars movies were on the horizon. Remember the first three Star Wars? Those were awesome.?

How wrong we were to trust in the positive nature of humanity.

The new trilogy came out and everyone hated them. Mostly because they were bad Star Wars movies, but a little because they were just bad movies. People try to defend Revenge of the Sith by saying “It’s not that bad!”, which is like going to Taco Bell and getting handed bananas at the drive thru. It’s not that bad, because, hey, you still got food, and potassium and pranks have shown us that bananas are fun, but they’re not tacos at all. Plus, “it’s not that bad” only works if there’s the chance that someone might believe you, and if you’re the kind of person who apologizes for Revenge of the Sith, you have no one.?

Watto, from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Screw your movie, Anakin.

Ever since then, only one more Star Wars film has come out in theatres, some animated thing that went over about as well as saying “That butter in your popcorn is actually shingles.” But, a few years before that, another franchise about people taking man’s god-given right to conquer outer space to the fullest was revitalized. Star Trek was given about a fifteenth chance at life and it paid off for a pretty decent percentage of the movie, until Simon Pegg’s little rock-faced pal showed up and we had to tell ourselves “You can’t strangle something that isn’t real. And no, you can’t try.”

The new Star Trek was directed by a guy named JJ Abrams, who had ran shows that people loved and hated, both in pretty equal proportions, like Lost and Fringe. After it came out, people spent not-very-long waiting for a sequel, which seems like forever if you’re obsessed about it on the internet. I don’t feel like it was so much that people were excited about a sequel as much as they were excited about seeing Khan again, who was hinted at by the Simple Law of Nerd that states that everything that happens in a fictional world might happen again, and again, and again.

The Star Trek Into Darkness.

Kind of making the symbol out of a burned building won’t distract us from the stupid title for long.

We started getting teased by new Star Trek 2 things, and the title, Star Trek Into Darkness was chosen, a title that only makes sense if you ignore the fact that it doesn’t. However to steal all of Star Trek Going Someplace‘s thunder was the announcement that there would be a new Star Wars trilogy. At this point, our bodies’ knew not to get excited about it, but we just couldn’t help it. So we did the next best thing in the Digital Age which is feeling bad about our excitement and then twisting it into anxiousness. The internet will never recover from what I like to call the New Star Wars dhklwhe i cant even of 2013.?

Then, the news arose that George Lucas would not be directing these, and a small sigh of relief was breathed. However, that sigh was replaced by “BUT WHO IS?” Names were thrown around, like Brad Bird and Zack Snyder, and Snyder even announced his plan to make a Seven Samurai style Star Wars film, which sounds awesome.

And then, a few days later, JJ Abrams was announced to direct Star Wars VII, and everything fell apart, again. The internet couldn’t handle itself. “Lense flares!” everyone but some cried out on Twitter unanimously. “Shut up about the fucking lense flares” that remaining some cried.

To be honest, there’s nothing really that definitive about Abrams that can be said in a way that relates to Star Wars speculation. The movie will have plots! The movie will be shot using a cam-er-a! It might even have actual people in it! But that’s really all we know, and all we can really guess from any movie that’s not Revenge of the Sith.

No one really knows much about how someone becomes a new god, or even where you’d get employment forms for that. But once you take the reigns of two wild, spacin’ franchises, you have the world in your hands. We can now look forward to Star Trek Movin’ Locations and Star Wars Episode VII as coming from the same person, ummm, excuse me, the same Jesus.

Let the games begin.


Jesus Christ.

JJ and the lamb.