Jimmy Savile Gets Mugged And Bloody Loves It

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Jimmy Savile mugged leeds sunglasses marvellousAs an 81-year-old man, you'd expect Sir Jimmy Savile to crave the quiet life, but that couldn't be further from the truth – because Jimmy Savile has started to relish being violently attacked by people six decades younger than him.

Yesterday Jimmy Savile was in Leeds for an awards ceremony when, out of nowhere, a woman in her twenties threw herself at the elderly entertainer and robbed him of his pink-tinted sunglasses before making away with them. But rather than deciding to spend the next six weeks giving interviews about the cruelty of youth and how he's too scared to leave his house any more, Jimmy Savile has described the mugging as 'marvellous.' Next week: Sir Jimmy Savile gets stabbed in the bowel by some happy-slappers and goes on to call it 'the best thing that's happened to me since the end of Jim'll Fix It'.

And the funny thing is, it probably would be, too.

Jimmy Savile has been around for ages, and the impact he's made on popular culture can't be denied. So far we've calculated that Jimmy Savile invented DJs, Top Of The Pops, wrestling, marathons, male jewellery, seatbelts, intercity trains, the shell-suit and the now frowned-upon practise of forcing children to eat ice cream on rollercoasters for his own personal amusement.

Recently, though, Jimmy Savile has been keeping out of the public eye a little more, only limiting himself to tired old Jim'll Fix It revisitations and making sure that Top Of The Pops really was dead for good. This is partly because Jimmy Savile is an old man who deserves to relax in the fruits of his labour, and partly because the sight of a crackpot 81-year-old man in shell-suit on TV doing the world's most dispossessed impression of Marley's Ghost would stop all children from ever sleeping again.  

But just because he isn't on the telly much any more, it doesn't mean that Jimmy Savile has nothing to do. Why, yesterday Jimmy Savile was in Leeds as the guest of honour at an awards ceremony of some sort. And the Leeds locals were so pleased to see Jimmy Savile that they gave him their special traditional Leeds greeting.

That is to say that a woman mugged Jimmy Savile and stole his sunglasses.

But Jimmy Savile, bless him, reacted in exactly the same way that you would if you were an 81-year-old man being attacked by a girl young enough to be your great-granddaughter – he took the attack to be a misplaced sign of affection and now wants to woo his attacker with romantic gifts. Following the mugging, Jimmy Savile said:

"I was walking down the corridor and this girl was overcome and jumped on me from the side and wrestled my John Lennon-style glasses off my head and legged it off down the corridor. I thought it was marvellous because I haven't been jumped on by a girl for nearly 50 years. If I ever find her, I'll buy her a box of chocolates. I think the glasses will finish up on eBay."

See? Forget your pensions and meals on wheels; this is what our elderly wants – to be forcefully attacked by people, but only if they're so young and attractive that the victim thinks they have a sliver of a chance of getting off with them.

But what do we know. Let's just allow Jimmy Savile his moment of enjoyment – after all, by being mugged Sir Jimmy is now enjoying a level of fame he hasn't experienced in years, narrowly edging out the time he was on GMTV at 6:15am discussing Scottish midge-density in 2003.

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