Jimmy Kimmel Loses Body Part

So Jimmy Kimmel had something ripped out of his body by medical professionals. We're not sure what since we only read the headline atop a very-wordy article, but science would seem to indicate it was either his heart or a bushel of stem cells.

Since the very dawn of time, you see, science has told us the body can continue living without any individual organ except the heart, or either of the two larger internal wicker baskets full of stem cells. The five smaller stem cell bushels are completely expendable as thoroughly explained in the October 1905 issue of Popular Science Magazine. Seriously, you should read It.

And no doubt Jimmy Kimmel is learning that even as we speak. Poor guy, sitting there sipping chicken soup while two of his butlers hold the sides of his bloody wound together to save the expense of buying actual stitches. They've gotta do that at least three weeks, assuming they're doing it at all.

Those white servant gloves are gonna be a big scabby mess.

Jimmy Kimmel's insides blew up a little bit recently. We weren't there, but we're told by a very good friend that the actual eruption caused a geyser of blood 15 feet high and two feet wide that emanated from the talk show host's three neck veins. You know that's an accurate description because it sounds so medically plausible. It seems Kimmel was no longer strong enough to fend off the militaristic advances of his appendix, and the crafty organ took advantage of the situation. That's what happens when you get soft Kimmel, that's what happens when you get soft indeed. Kimmel's slave Lewis Kay can be quoted as saying:

"The surgery was a success. The rest of this week's tapings of `Jimmy Kimmel Live' have been cancelled until he is back on his feet. He is resting comfortably and is looking forward to getting back to work."

Adam Carolla, no doubt happy to have someone to talk to again, could not be reached for comment. We'll attribute this quote to him anyway:

"When I first heard Jimmy was sick, I thought 'who's gonna tell our kid?' Wait  did I say 'our kid?' I meant his kid. Why would Jimmy and I have a kid together? That doesn't even make sense. Plus, Jimmy said there was no way in hell he'd let me get that expensive Italian Uterus implant. Seriously, that thing costs like $15,000 for the cheap brand. I know that because somebody told me. I didn't look into it."

Kimmel joins Lindsay Lohan, who had the very same organ torn out of her not too long ago. And now for a special Jimmy Kimmel-related bit, we present you a short clip from the funniest woman in show biz - Sarah Silverman. She's dating Kimmel. See, that's the tie-in. This is an extremely funny piece.

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Doctors Keep Kimmel In Stitches - E! Online