Jessica Simpson was released from hospital yesterday after being treated for what's being described as a kidney infection. However, details are vague and nobody knows if Jessica Simpson had a real kidney infection or whether it was just a smokescreen for a more embarrassing ailment.
But, just this once, we'll take the bait. Our guess is that Jessica Simpson really did have a kidney infection, but only because that means Jessica Simpson definitely has really stinky piss. Jessica 'Stinky Piss' Simpson. Old stinky piss, that's her. Stinky piss.
Jessica Simpson is primarily known for three things 1) That reality TV show which made everyone think her marriage was a sham, 2) her humongoid boobs and 3) the way her skin is unusually orange. Nobody knows where the first two came from, but there's a good chance that Jessica Simpson's skin is only that colour because her kidneys got poorly and backed up, flooding her body with pissy toxins.
You might think that we missed out Jessica Simpson's singing and acting career from the above list, by the way, but we didn't. Nobody thinks that Jessica Simpson is particularly good at either.
Anyway, we're not here to discuss Jessica Simpson's merits as a performer – we're here to discuss the way her piss probably smells so very rancid. Last week, probably after breathing in some of her own piss and getting all giddy, Jessica Simpson went to hospital to get her infected kidneys looked at. E! Online reports:
The pop star is on the mend after spending the better part of a week at Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center receiving treatment for a kidney infection. "Jessica was in the hospital for five days with a kidney infection and is feeling better and out of the hospital," the singer's rep, Cindi Berger, told E! News. While Simpson has since checked out, the timing of her hospitalizing remains unclear… Cedars did nothing to clear up the fuzzy math. "I have no idea if she is here," said a hospital rep, "and if I did I wouldn't be able to release any information."
We know what you're thinking. You're thinking that 'kidney infection' is usually a cover-up excuse for a more serious problem, especially when coupled with the cloudy nature of everyone's explanations. Perhaps you're thinking that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Or that she suffered some kind of alcohol or drug overdose. Or that she was just in for her biannual jaw-whittling procedure.
But let's give Jessica Simpson the benefit of the doubt here. If she really did suffer a kidney infection, then it must have been extremely traumatic for her. Not only did the infection probably make it smell like a plague-riddled rat had shat out its guts every time she went for a pee, but Jessica Simpson will have also experienced back pain, fever, shivering, vomiting, nausea, diarrhoea and an unexplainable constant need to get up and go to the toilet.
They're horrible symptoms to go through, and we can totally empathise with Jessica Simpson, because we felt all of those things quite severely about 10 minutes into Employee Of The Month when we saw it at the cinema.
Get well soon, stinky piss.