Here’s a recap – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up, and Tony has banned Jessica from his house.
Pretty humiliating, huh? Still, at least that’s as bad as things can get for Jessica Simpson, right? Because, come on, it’s not as if Jessica Simpson had spent months preparing to launch a new perfume inspired by her deep love for Tony Romo, is it? And it’s not like she was going to call it anything as retrospectively stupid as Fancy Love. Only a genuine idiot would do a thing as dumb as that.
What? Why has everyone gone quiet? Oh.
We’re just going to come right out and say this – this mess over the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split needs to end now. It’s been dragging on for so long that it’s actually starting to make us feel a little bit sorry for Jessica Simpson, and that won’t do. Can you imagine what it’s like to go to bed at night knowing that you’ve spent a portion of your day, however small, actually sympathising with Jessica Simpson? It’s disgusting. It makes us feel sick. And yet we can’t help it.
It’s not the fact that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up – because, let’s be honest, it’s been on the cards. And it’s not because the split has been blamed on Jessica Simpson’s father – because, let’s face it, if you drew up a list of all the bad things that had ever happened to planet Earth in its entire lifetime, probably about 75% of them could be attributed in some way to Joe Simpson.
It’s not even that Tony Romo felt the need to literally put a sign on his front door saying ‘No Jessica Simpson Allowed‘ or the slightly terrifying vigour in which Jessica Simpson has embraced dieting in the wake of the split. No, it’s much worse than that.
Jessica Simpson has just launched a perfume called Fancy Love that was inspired by her love for Tony Romo. Ouch. The LA Times reports:
Here’s the latest sign that Jessica Simpson still has her mind on Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. She unveiled a new fragrance called “Fancy Love,” which was inspired by her past love. Vince Camuto, chief executive of Camuto Group, which holds the license for Simpson’s brands, told People: “Jessica loves the feeling of being in love. She’s a romantic girl.”
That’s bad. That’s just about as bad as you can get, in fact. At least if Jessica Simpson had got a full-back tattoo reading ‘I Love Romo’, she could have covered it up or altered it to read ‘I Love Romola Garai, Specifically Her Work In Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights Which Personally I Felt Was Somewhat Underrated’.
But launching a perfume? Called Fancy Love? That was inspired by your love for Tony Romo? A fortnight after he dumped you? And banned you from his house? On the day before your 29th birthday? Which probably makes you too old to ever find meaningful love ever again? Wow.
Congratulations, Jessica Simpson – you’ve won our sympathy. And that’s why we’d like to offer our services. We’re willing to buy the entire global stock of Fancy Love from you, Jessica Simpson, and we’ll help you decant it into less emotionally painful packaging, simply because your story has tugged at our heartstrings.
True, we’re stipulating that you have to rename the perfume Lonely Old Spinster, but that hardly matters. Get in touch.