No, wait – Jessica Simpson’s first love is cacky reality TV shows that exploit her personal relationships with others, isn’t it? OK, well in that case Jessica Simpson has gone back to her second love – music.
And not just any music, either – Jessica Simpson has gone country, and she’s marked the occasion with a concert at a festival in Wisconsin. But sadly, Jessica Simpson’s country concert didn’t go down well with the locals, who booed and jeered her for not being country enough. Now, if she’d have smashed her teeth up real bad and had sex with a blood relative beforehand, it would have been a different story altogether.
Country music is a sound that’s easy to imitate but almost impossible to live by. Any old fool can go a bit cross-eyed, write a song about CB radios and score a lucky hit from it, but country fans are a difficult bunch to fool, as Jessica Simpson is only starting to find out.
After her reality TV show died, her acting career was killed stone dead by Blonde Ambition and her sideline as a professional meat eater was derided by Pamela Anderson, Jessica Simpson only had two career options left open to her – pornography and country music.
It was a tricky decision to make – one is a degrading, soul-destroying job that’d leave her health and morale in tatters and shove her down to one of the lowest rungs of society alongside lepers and prostitutes, and the other one is pornography – but Jessica Simpson bit the bullet and chose country music anyway.
But what Jessica Simpson doesn’t know is that country music isn’t a career choice – it’s something you reach only after you’ve lived a life of waitress choking and deep ingrained alcoholism and sexual battery against children.
And that lack of country experience came to the fore on Saturday, when Jessica Simpson road-tested her new country direction at the Country Thunder USA Festival in Randall, Wisconsin.
Not realising that anyone who’d attend something called the Country Thunder USA Festival would be able to sniff out a fake quicker than they could blast a varmint’s face off with their pappy’s six-shooter during a drunken bar brawl, Jessica Simpson debuted her own songs alongside covers of Shania Twain and Willie Nelson and, well, got crucified for it. Access Hollywood reports:
“I just don’t hear the country in her,” said Adam Matos, from Arlington Heights, Ill. “I don’t hear the twang. She’s not good enough to be here.” Mike Rodriguez of Lake Geneva, Wisc., seconded that opinion. “Just because she’s dating Tony Romo it doesn’t make her country,” he said. “She doesn’t fit in with country, and I’ll have to drink a lot of beer to sit through her concert.”
Not that Jessica Simpson should worry too much – her first country single Come On Over has already done inexplicably well in the American music charts, and her single looks set to do the same when it’s released in September – but she probably could have done with a better live debut.
Anyway, even if Jessica Simpson’s country direction fails miserably, it’s not the end of the world. There are still hundreds of musical bandwagons that she can shamelessly jump on – like nu-rave, for example, or sub-Saharan bikutsi folk music. The world’s still her oyster.
Or there’s the pornography option, which admittedly does seem more and more of an inevitability these days.