Jessica Simpson Drives Minivan Full Of Screaming Orphans Through Mariachi Band

No wait - that's misleading. Let us try to reword that headline: Mariachi Band Full of Orphans Eaten By Jessica Simpson's Minivan. No, that wasn't right either. Hows about: Jessica Simpson Surprised By Mariachi Band, Breaks In Front Of Mexican Orphanage. Nobody Eaten.

We're getting closer. Headlines are tough - especially when they try to convey a message as uplifting and wonderful as Jessica Simpson giving an eight-seater minivan to several hundred abandoned Mexican children who may or may not have to wait months for a chance to ride in the family-friendly vehicle. No offence with the 'family-friendly' bit, orphans.

The action is inspiring though, and moving. It's touching enough, in fact, that hecklerspray has sent one box of frozen fish sticks to three and a half million starving children in Rwanda, and a broken nunchuck straight to the Iraqi Sunni underclass. The fish sticks we sent next day air. The nunchuck we keep trying to throw, but the right wind-gust hasn't caught it yet. Jessica Simpson though - she's not content to wait for no wind to deliver her minivan to the lonely Mexican orphans. She done drove it down her-own self - and we understand she may have even given the kids a fairly decent lease agreement. Now that's charity!

Jessica Simpson won a sports car at the MTV Music Video Awards last year, and she decided she really didn't need it. In a move that's been historically dangerous for young Simpson, she decided to trade in her car for something she could gift. We all know how Simpson gifts usually go. She tried doing something nice for Dolly Parton and killed it. And remember what happened when she tried to help the Tarrant Apparel Group design clothes? Legal catastrophe, that's what happened!

But Jessica Simpson's weird giving history isn't enough to stop her. Nope - she's doing it again. She traded her prize-sports car in for a minivan she could donate to a Mexican orphanage she visited in 1999. By all accounts, this seemed to go well. Her slave said:

"The kids were cheering when she pulled up. They surrounded the car and were so excited to see her. They kept saying, 'Muchas gracias! Muchas gracias! A few of them spoke English and said. 'We love you, Jessica!' "

Jessica Simpson gives a rotten minivan and the world goes nuts, while hecklerspray basically donates a golden helicopter to Salma Hayek's stomach baby and we don't get so much as a thank you. At first we thought it might be because Mexican culture was just categorically rude, but now all these Mexican orphans nicely express thankfulness, and we're left feeling baffled and confused. What's up Hayek? With crude manners like that, clearly you had too many parents!

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Jessica Simpson Visits Mexican Orphanage - USA Today