Jessica Simpson Drinks Beer to Make Her Smart, Which Explains a Lot.
Jessica Simpson is now marketing something that kills your braincells on the notion that it’s a ’smart’ choice.
The ironing is delicious. Though, let’s face it, probably intentional too.
Yes, the girl that did some stuff once, apparently, is the new face of the Stampede Brewing Company’s beer that’s supposed to be good for you, Stampede Light Plus. Which is, let’s be brutally honest here, the dumbest thing that’s ever happened. Both Jessica Simpson and the fact that a beer is marketed as being good for you.
Putting vitamins in something doesn’t make it a magical elixir that cures all ailments – it makes it a beer with vitamins in it. And as for the light tag – well, thankfully that’s never taken off over here in Blighty. Good lord that would truly be hell on earth.
But faced with these inescapable truths, country superstar Jessica has refused to yield and has signed up to be a marketing whore, appearing in adverts for the ‘healthy’ beer and netting herself a 15 percent stake in the company as payment. Which does, of course, indicate that maybe she isn’t as thick as we all thought.
Either that or she just has a damn fine agent (or it was her dad). We need to get us one of those – a hecklerspray-branded beer would be the stuff of kings, clearly. Plus we wouldn’t lie and say it’s good for you, it’d just be a lager that slagged you off and was generally quite acerbic, if not misunderstood by many American consumers.
Far from just releasing some information and some adverts, there were also some quotes thrown the way of the press – thank god for that! Speaking with her mouth, Jessica Simpson said these inspiring, enlightening things:
“As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people. Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in awhile.”
The words: “entrepreneur,” “diversify” and “portfolio” lead us to believe that someone else prepared that statement for young Jessie, but the quoting fun didn’t dry up there. The president and chief executive of Stampede, Lawrence Schwartz, said these wholly believable things:
“She’s the face of the brand now. Jessica is America’s sweetheart and an internationally known entertainer who takes care of herself. You can see it in her smile, her skin, her confidence and her obvious physical fitness.”
Which probably – let’s be honest here – means she doesn’t actually drink a great deal of beer. Not to the extent the company would like people to drink, at least. Though her mental fortitude does indicate she has had a lot of brain cells killed off, so who are we to say? Not Pamela Anderson, that’s for sure.
But, as with any quoting frenzy, the best has to be saved for last. Weighing in with his opinion, Gary Hemphill, senior VP for consulting and financial services firm Beverage Marketing Corp let loose this fact nugget:
“Health and wellness attributes are driving virtually every new product and overall growth in non-alcoholic beverages, but this hasn’t happened to the same extent with alcoholic beverages–maybe because when people think ‘healthy,’ they generally don’t run for the bar.”
Nail. Head. Etc.
Stampede and Jessica’s ad campaign has the slogan “Be Smart, Drink Smart.” We’re actually overwhelmed with what we could put in response to that, so instead we’ll just leave the floor open to you, our readers.
[...] Yes, it’s true. [...]
Did you mean to say “the irony is delicious” rather than “the ironing is delicious” in the first line?
If you’re going to ridicule someone’s intelligence, you should probably make sure that what you’re saying makes sense.
I think the writer meant “irony” not “ironing”. Perhaps this contributor should learn basic grammatical skills before condemning anyone for their ignorance.
Okay, you got me – I am literally that stupid.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ironing
Perhaps people should pick up on basic pop culture references before condemning anyone for their ignorance.
You may not be that stupid, Sir, but by deliberately obscuring the reference, you rendered a disservice to your readership. That line from the Simpsons is hardly a basic pop culture reference along the lines of “Cowabunga, dude” or “Eat my shorts.” Had you shared your private joke, it may not have been funny, but at least it would have comported with writing skills 101.
Do you people ever read hecklerspray at all? Seriously, shut the fuck up. You are idiots who do not get satire, I understand. It’s fine, just please go the fuck away.
Basic “pop-culture” references is a rather lame excuse for inexcusable sloppy writing/proofreading prior to publication. Is this the “text generation” answer to writing akills. Perhaps this is a reflection of the abysmal state of our education system.
HEY I DIDNT GET THE JOKE SO YOU SHOULD WORK ON YOUR GRAMMAR
HEY NOW I GET THE JOKE AFTER IT WAS EXPLASINED TO ME BUT RATHER THAN SAY ‘OH OK IT WAS A JOKE’ IM GOING TO MAKE A BROADER STATEMENT ABOUT A COMPLETELY UNRELATED EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM AND GENERALLY ACT LIKE A TWAT
Is there some kind of convention happening
online today? Anal-retentive schoolmarms
on holiday? Angry Librarians Anonymous?
My frail mind is baffled, boggled and bled by
this constellation of humorless indignant fuckbrains.
Take the popsicle stick out of our ass before
you post, or light it on fire, sing yourself a song,
and have a nice dayâ„¢.
But none of you seem concerned about the fact that Ian Dransfield is just not funny – and I miss Stu, Annette Hyde and just about everyone else who is
Lite beer is insane. I don’t understand how it’s such a big deal in the US. I was at a party in Phoenix once and I brought some Carlsberg. I gave one to another guy there, and he looked agahst when he drank it. I guess after years of Coors Light and Bud Light he couldn’t stand the taste of a ‘normal’ beer.
Don’t worry – tomorrow is my last day, then you get Stu back.
Carlsberg? That’s your measure of normal for beer?
Gah.
Mark, before you insult someone for their use of grammar please next time spell check your text:
“Is this the “text generation†answer to writing akills.”
The ironing IS delicious.
Blurt.
Oi, leave the Dransexual alone. It’s that dude ‘Hecklerspray Staff’ you need to go after.
Anyway, I’m off to do my ironing. It’s like rain, on your wedding day etc etc
Gah. I just made the same ironing joke as Ben Morrison on another post, before coming back here to receive confirmation that I am Officially Obvious.
Bye Ian! See ya!
And how smart could drinking a lite beer possibly be? They taste like sh*t.
Black Sheep Ale is the way forward.
I’ve always wondered about this saying out there. “Athletes drink beer and it helps them strive”. It is interesting. I get a weird but great side effect from alcohol. There was this game I used to play a few years back. Halo. Every time I played it, yeah I was extremely good. If anyone here played it and remember the names Pimple, Blind Wino, Snake Pliskn, or ofcourse, that is me. Yes people called me an “Aim Botter”. Indeed. When I drank beer, of course during game play with Motorhead’s Ace of Spades playing, shit. Un-Stoppable. If I were to join a military outfit that specialized in sniping… Look out 7-11.