Building her fame by playing stupid then cashing in on it by exploiting her postbaby fat, Jessica Simpson has created a niche for herself that truly is the best job in the world.
Considering the fact most people are just fat and dumb for free, for Jessica to make millions off of it is pretty genius. I wanted to call it Divine Inspiration; however, after some thoughtful consideration, it would seem that the inspiration is less divine and more cartoon by nature.
It’s pretty apparent that Jessica Simpson has copied the successful character mold of everybody’s favorite cartoon dad, Homer Simpson. Although it was a pretty big risk to take, as the saying goes: With great risk comes great reward.
Although Jessica used her vocal talents
and huge rack to break onto the scene, it was only after her reality show with then-husband Nick Lachey highlighted her inability to grasp simple concepts that Jess started to breakaway as a bona fide star.
She confused continents with vowels (ya, not even consonants ::face palm::), thinks buffalo wings are made of buffalo, and famously asked whether what she was eating was tuna or chicken.
Maybe Jessica isn’t dumb—at the very least she’s been smart enough to surround herself with business savvy people—and even then, maybe dumb is too strong of a word. Jessica is definitely ditsy and probably consciously played it up for the camera after she saw how much people were eating it up. Most people have to prove they are at least semi-competent to get hired; Jessica made a name doing the exact opposite.
After becoming a household name and making millions off incompetence, Jessica fell on a few rough times with failed relationships, bad outfit choices, and the title of being a curse to America’s team. Rough times, that is, until she learned what getting fat can earn you.
As it turned out, buttering up Pop Tarts, gorging on Mac n’ Cheese, and creating a life in her womb helped her to tip the scales at a whopping 170 pounds, something she has turned into an estimated $3-4 million paycheck and a resurgence of fame.
See, I wouldn’t even think to butter a Pop Tart. I guess that is why I’ll never be a bazillionaire.
Ok, ok. So she has to lose the weight in order to actually cash in on her lucrative contract, but most celebs get shamed into losing the weight as fast as possible, coming out their own pocket books to hire trainers, chefs, and voodoo crystal consultants (or whatever is hot in Hollywood at the time).
Not only is she getting paid, but she has the sympathy and support of mommy nation that supports her decision to lose the weight in a “healthy” manner (translation: slow as hell).
Not only has Jessica made weight loss her job, but now she doesn’t even have to treat it like a job because America hates women like Giselle who can walk out of the delivery room and onto the catwalk. The public wants “a real woman,” ignoring her $1000 extensions and bleached out mane, perfectly sprayed tan, designer gut-cinching dress, and eight-figure salary. If she loses the weight slow, she’s “real.”
In her Weight Watchers commercial, Jessica panders to the public stating she’s “just Jessica” and “not a supermodel” as she makes some kind of weird face to the camera.
While I’m not totally certain where she got the idea that anyone would think she was a supermodel and not just the girl who couldn’t get a handle on Chicken of the Sea, or what making a face has anything to do with being or not being a model, it’s smart of her to pretend like she’s average and not getting paid multimillions just to lose a few pounds she’d have done anyway.
Once you see past the heavily filtered footage (something obviously needed to obfuscate the possible imperfections that would be on display because of the horribly tight shot on her face) and black out the section where she says “I’m just trying to eat real food in the real world” (not sure what world she was eating in before) then you can begin to appreciate the expertly executed manipulation of society Jessica has orchestrated in order to make a cushy business out of being the “people’s” celebrity.
I applaud you, Ms. Simpson. You definitely weren’t the first to come up with the idea, but you certainly nailed it.