Now that Jessica Simpson is clinically obese, she’s going to see a whole lot of benefits – it’ll round out that troublesome jaw, for starters.
Oh, we’re just kidding. Jessica Simpson isn’t clinically obese – she just wore a bad pair of trousers once and hasn’t stopped acting offended because some people said it made her bum look big. Now Jessica Simpson has described the furore, saying that she’s OK because she “prays out loud”.
Incidentally, Pray Out Loud is the name of Jessica Simpson’s new single. Lucky it wasn’t called Cry And Eat Crisps A Lot, eh? That would have been really embarrassing.
Suddenly ballooning up like a redneck Violet Beauregarde has been the best thing to happen to Jessica Simpson for years. We’re being serious here. Her movie career was sinking fast, her career as a country singer wasn’t winning anyone over and – worst of all – she was being eclipsed in the celebrity stakes by her Skekis of a little sister.
But a few months of what we presume to be pity-bingeing on melon-sized clumps of unprocessed suet later, and Jessica Simpson is back where she belongs – being seriously discussed by lonely people who emotionally invest in the lives of strangers to try and ward off an inevitable existential meltdown.
And Jessica Simpson is loving it. Just because she got a bit fat and then tried to wear a pair of jeans that made her bottom look like a sun-blistered dinghy, Jessica Simpson can’t stay out of the news. Celebrities are defending her, between-song concert banter is misconstrued as heartfelt thanks from Jessica Simpson to all the fans who don’t care that she’s got 12 chins and arteries like fibreglass, and people even care when she messes up songs and starts crying again – we thought that people got bored of that old trick long ago.
But one thing that Jessica Simpson hasn’t done is directly address her weight gain. That all changed on CBS’s The Early Show this morning, though, when Jessica Simpson said this:
“Honestly, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I am so happy. Right now I’m on tour with Rascal Flatts, having a blast. We’re at Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Everybody’s just been so warm and welcoming. Lots of hugs, I like that… Texas style. Everything’s really great. It’s all about keeping the faith. That’s why I pray out loud.”
You see, Jessica Simpson is entirely comfortable with… hey, wait a minute! Jessica Simpson didn’t address her weight gain at all! All she actually did was promote her tour and forthcoming single in the style of a woman dictating a wartime telegram. Does that count? We don’t even think that actually counts.
Oh well, it’ll fall to someone else to secure Jessica Simpson’s first directly explicit statement about all the fuss over her weight gain, then. It’ll be a race against time, though – wait too long and Jessica Simpson runs the very real risk of swallowing the entire planet, Katamari-style.
Roman Korvinus says
I can’t figure out what the problem is, I’d marry her either way. Romo was just to stupid to see what she was doing. And I believe he failed at the little test.
It’s funny everyone thinks she’s as dumb as a box of rocks. One things for sure you can’t see how stupid other people are until they think your dumber than they are.