Could we have a moment’s silence for Jessica Biel? The struggle that woman has gone through. Honestly, it beggars belief.
What struggle are we talking about? Well, look at her. The poor wretch is beautiful. Do you know the endless misery that comes from having skin as clear and luminous as an angel’s teardrop? Can you understand the despair that you have to endure day after day just because both of your eyes point in the same direction? It’s a nightmare. A living nightmare.
And that’s why Jessica Biel deserves our sympathy – she’s been describing her horrifying plight to Allure.
Would someone mind ringing Bono for us? And probably that Geldof chap as well. There’s work to be done, you see. Forget Africa or global warming or any of that bollocks. There’s a charity concert to be arranged and an all-star single to be recorded for perhaps the biggest – and definitely the most harrowing – good cause out there. The Jessica Biel Is Too Pretty And It Makes Her Sad cause.
People, just £2 will buy a hammer that won’t just smash out the teeth of Jessica Biel to make her look more like a poverty-stricken homeless gypsy, but the teeth of several generations of genetically-blessed Biels. And just £4 will buy Jessica Biel a packet of discount shop-bought hair colourant that will turn her hideously ginger for three months. If you can afford it, £50 a week will provide Jessica Biel with the means to live off nothing but cake and frozen pizza to help her turn into the unsightly slob she so desperately aspires to be. Please, give whatever you can.
We’re being serious here. Being one of the world’s most desirable women has ruined Jessica Biel’s life. Yes, she may have millions of dollars and Justin Timberlake for a boyfriend and an acting career that she probably wouldn’t have if she had a face like a shoe with a bum sewn onto it, but has that made Jessica Biel happy? No. No it absolutely hasn’t.
You see, as a beautiful actress Jessica Biel should be landing high-profile, serious-minded, critically-acclaimed roles, like the sort that Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson get. But no, instead Jessica Biel is stuck doing terrible comedies and direct-to-DVD thrillers about strippers. Essentially what’s happened is Jessica Biel has ended up with Lindsay Lohan‘s career. No wonder she’s so angry at her stupid gorgeous face and her idiot perky tits. Jessica told Allure:
“It really is a problem. I have to be blunt. If you don’t like the audition, then don’t hire me. But if you don’t even want to see me, that’s hurtful.”
Hang on a minute. Jessica Biel wants to be regarded in the same way as Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson? Oh, we get it – she wishes she had a part in The Other Boleyn Girl. Dear God, she’s beautiful and a bit dim too. This is worse than any of us could have possibly imagined!