Jessica Alba Won’t Go To Jail For Her Misplaced Shark Love
Good news! It looks like Jessica Alba has finally found her calling! Because lord knows it isn’t acting!
No, instead Jessica Alba has revealed her true talent to be political activism. Admittedly she’s rubbish at that too, and the extent of her activism seems to involve illegally pasting up a load of posters about shark awareness in a city that’s 500 miles away from the sea and then getting caught doing it, but – to reiterate – she’s still better at that than she is at acting.
Not that it matters – Jessica Alba won’t be charged. Another win for moderate physical attractiveness! Hooray!
Honestly Barack Obama, you’ve got a lot to answer for. Before you turned up, our celebrities were happy to be celebrities. They’d show up for work in an inappropriate frock, do six minutes of work, get paid $400 million for it and then get drunk and punch a photographer in the face on the way home. Maybe they’d mumble the word ‘Darfur’ under their breath every couple of months, but only because they heard George Clooney do it once so they assumed that Darfur was a hot young fashion designer. And that’s the way we liked it.
But now? Now, because they managed to pull a sad face while saying the word ‘landmine’ in a black and white two-minute internet election video a year ago, all the celebrities seem to consider themselves to be all-powerful political mavens. Just look at Jessica Alba, for instance – the poor girl’s clearly as dumb as a box of sand, but because she endorsed Barack Obama in the last election and he ended up winning, she’s gone crazy with power.
And that explains why Jessica Alba has decided to take her unique brand of geographically-confused political activism to the streets. Which would be fine, except for the following things.
1 – Jessica Alba’s political activism apparently involved illegal flyposting.
2 – We know this because Jessica Alba then posed for photos next to the posters, and the photos appeared on the internet.
3 - Jessica Alba reportedly broke the law like this to raise awareness of the declining number of great white sharks – the big fishy human-eating dead-eyed bastards so universally disliked by everything else on the face of the Earth that someone once made a film about one getting its jawbone exploded off with a hand grenade and nobody even minded.
4 - Jessica Alba did this in Oklahoma City, a city so far away from the sea that it may as well be on the bastard moon.
But still, despite this it’s been revealed that Jessica Alba won’t be charged for her part in the flyposting campaign, as Parade reveals:
Police in Oklahoma City have decided against charging actress Jessica Alba with vandalism for her part in a campaign that left parts of the city covered with posters. Owners of the property on which the posters were placed did not want to press charges. Last week, Alba apologized to Oklahoma City residents. “I got involved in something I should have had no part of.”
So all’s well that ends well. Thanks to all of this faff, everybody now knows that there are less sharks in the sea that there once were, that Oklahoma City residents have a lax attitude to pressing charges against flyposters and Jessica Alba is now apologising for things she should have had no part in – which means we can now expect similar apologies for Good Luck Chuck, The Fantastic Four, The Ring Eye, The Fantastic Four 2, Awake and The Love Guru.
Jessica, your conscience demands it.
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This man/woman who is writing this backlashing is a mindless idiot..Point one, it seems that he/she approves of the killing of a animal. Point two shut the fuck up. It ain’t right to just kill off an animal because you want to. Your a heartless son of a bitch.:)
lol@ bastard moon.
Just because someone CAN put something on the Internet doesnt mean they should. Here is a perfect example, someone does something for a noble cause and said ‘journalist’ thinks he is all empowered by dragging them down. To the ill-educated moron who wrote this piece, the loss of sharks would destroy the ecosystem of the oceans and therein the food chain humanity relies on in many parts of the world. Get a real job, at least Miss Alba has the balls to do something towards a better planet whilst you type garbage.
Jessica Alba was in The Ring?
I live in oklahoma and it is really pointless to kill trees for the sole purpose of littering downtown for a cause completely wasted on people that don’t live near the ocean. Just a bunch of posters now rotting in a landfill. Wonder how many animals lived in the trees they cut down for them.
I find nothing wrong with hunting for food if the species population needs to be controlled, which is the same reason they want to protect the great white so it can kill enough of other animals to balance the ecosystem.
Anyone hear about the activist who freed some minks? The minks killed every rare swan for miles almost wiping them out before they hunted and killed them.