What with the flooding and the Taliban hostage-taking and the Tour De France drugs scandal, people need hope in their hearts this week – so thank the lord that Jessica Alba is single again!
That's right – Jessica Alba, the woman who regularly tops polls like 'Sexiest Female Ever,' 'Most Ideal Girlfriend' and 'Bad Actresses Whose Films You Watch Because She Looks OK In A Swimsuit' has reportedly broken up with Cash Warren, her boyfriend of two years, by apparently calling him up and suddenly admitting that she doesn't love him any more. So Jessica Alba is single again, making this officially the best chance you will ever have of sleeping with Jessica Alba, knocking that time you got drunk, paused Into The Blue and masturbated yourself to sleep to a blurred flickering image of Alba-cleavage into second place. A very close second place.
Jessica Alba has, you know, a bit of a reputation. Now we're not saying that Jessica Alba is a slut exactly but, well, how many non-sluts do you know who profess their love for casual sex then get it on with a monkey? Other than your mother, of course.
But Jessica Alba isn't like your mother in the slightest. For one, Jessica Alba hates being called a whore and also Jessica Alba has an army of male admirers so huge that she routinely wins every 'sexy woman' poll around. It's these good looks that have kept Jessica Alba in employment despite her having the same emotional range as a book-end, and it's also the reason why Jessica managed to scoop a powerfully anonymous boyfriend with a silly name like movie producer Cash Warren. Cash Warren and Jessica Alba were the perfect couple, in that Jessica Alba was pretty and nobody really knew who Cash Warren was, but now the dream is over and Jessica and Cash have reportedly split up. MSNBC reports:
The handsome production assistant turned producer and Alba were inseparable for two years until this weekend when… Alba broke up with Warren. On July 22, she reportedly called him and told him “I’m not in love with you anymore,” sources told the magazine. Warren is said to be distraught. A source told US Weekly the split “happened … almost out of nowhere,” they said. “He’s totally devastated.”
Our heart goes out to Cash Warren – or at least it would if we actually knew who he was – who now faces the daunting tasking of finding a new girlfriend who won't start having insecure panic attacks when she sees that Cash still has occasional contact with Jessica Alba. But it's not all bad news, though – unburdened by such niceties as a long-term boyfriend, Jessica Alba will have less aversions to starting that inevitable new career as a late-night made-for-TV erotic-thriller actress that she's been putting for a couple of years.
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scott says
I spotted Jessica last year, walking her dog in a Vancouver park towards me. She took one look
at me with my camera, handed her dog to her personal assistant and turned around. So all I can say now is that I
met Jessica’s dog.
JoelB says
HS: “You got drunk, paused Into The Blue and masturbated yourself”. That’s revolting, you are a sick and twisted so-called human being!
Everyone knows it’s best done sober, then you can remember.