Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff

While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

Remove the sexiness from Jessica Alba and you’re not left with much - maybe a set of untrimmed eyebrows and a staggeringly bad filmography at best. It’d be like Stephen Colbert waking up one morning and realising he wasn’t funny, or Kanye West waking up and realising he could deal with criticism in a sensible, even-handed manner. It just doesn’t bear thinking about.

But, according to Jessica Alba herself, that’s what being pregnant did to her. Before she got pregnant, Jessica Alba was so sexy that she could send legions of teenage boys into month-long masturbatathons just by casually dropping the subject of recreational sex into an interview.

But then, as soon as she got pregnant, Jessica Alba’s sexiness level dropped immediately, with boys only being able to spend two or three weeks abusing themselves to a freeze-frame of Into The Blue at a time, no matter how often she tried to lure them back by only talking about her massive boobies all the time.

However, now Jessica Alba has given birth to her daughter Honor Marie Warren, none of that matters any more. Sure, she may have experienced some bloating during the pregnancy, but the most important thing is that her baby exists, and the unconditional love between mother and daughter will be the most important relationship she ever has with anyone for the rest of her life.

So chances are Jessica Alba doesn’t even care that the baby made her pack on a tiny amount of weight, right Cosmopolitan magazine?

“I never felt less sexy,” Jessica Alba says of her own pregnancy. “I mean, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world … but I wanted to get rid of all the weight.”

Oh little Honor Marie Warren, what a life you’ll have. From the first time you’ll be accompanied home from school by a social worker because of your kindergarten art project ‘This is mommy crying because she says I made her fat once’ to the therapy bills you’ll rack up because Jessica Alba will somehow find a way to blame the theatrical failure of The Love Guru on all the hormones you were thumping through her body during filming, you’ll have a gifted existence. A gifted existence indeed.