We’re not ones for spreading malicious lies about people, but we have received word that someone living amongst us is demonic and pure evil.

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

But how could this be? Is Jessica Alba really the demonic figure that we all feared or laughed at during cameo appearances in South Park with his lover Saddam Hussein? We just thought that Jessica was another pretty young thing who sent everyone into a loved-up trance. Remember her in Sin City? It was a struggle getting out of the cinema after watching her jiggle around like a jelly with a vibrator inserted into it.

The only possible explanation we can come up with for her becoming an evil beast is her recent birth. You know, the one where it made her all icky and a bit heavier. Somehow, during the birth, something in the universe must have clicked and turned Jessica Alba in to the cruellest person alive.

Soon we expect her to have thousands of 666s tattooed across every available bit of her skin. She’ll also get a lot of work from crap horror director Rob Zombie as she stars in films where zombies and random evil creatures come to eat fluffy rabbits.

But don’t panic just yet! All is not lost! You see, Jessica Alba only tuens into the devil because of something about food. She told Now magazine:

“I used to be a just a coffee for breakfast, yogurt for lunch girl. Now I have to have something every couple of hours. I turn into Satan if I don’t eat.”

You heard the girl, fill her up with food! Raid your cupboards for anything that will fill her appetite. It doesn’t matter what, just do it! Prunes, creamed corn or even spam, she’ll guzzle it down like drunks do with kebabs.

Even Kofi Annan has a plan. He told hecklerspray:

“We are flying Jessica Alba to an island just off the coast of New York. There she will be tied down and fed round the clock by a team of people whose sole job is to shovel food down her gullet. Each day, vans will make collections around the world to pick up unwanted food or leftovers. These will be transported immediately to the island for her consumption. This epidemic is being taken more seriously than global warning, knife crime and the person who stole my hat.”

Phew! Panic over everyone, it seems the UN is here to save the day. We don’t have to worry about ourselves being sacrificed or the blood of our families being drunk for Jessica Alba’s pleasure.

Just in case Jessica Alba doesn’t get the food needed to keep her human, though, we’re off to see the local priest to see if he’ll give us a clean slate. Hopefully even he can forgive us about that time with the cucumber…