As the Bible states, “If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can’t convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her.”

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.