Jesse Metcalfe is many things to different people – to some he’s the robot-faced boy from Desperate Housewives, to others he’s the robot-faced boyfriend of Girls Aloud – but we suspect that nobody ever has thought of Jesse Metcalfe as a drunk.

Actually, that’s not true – it’s probably more of a case of nobody in the universe caring about Jesse Metcalfe enough to wonder if he’s a drunk or not – but we just get the suspicion that Jesse Metcalfe doesn’t drink a lot, for two primary reasons. 1) Jesse Metcalfe resembles a waxwork mannequin so precisely that we doubt he’s even got a throat or stomach, and 2) last weekend Jesse Metcalfe got drunk and threw the kind of alarmingly befuddled boozy tantrum that you’d expect from a six-year-old after half a glass of mummy’s cooking sherry. And then went to rehab because of it.