Gentlemen, next Valentine’s Day why not show your lady how much you love her by repeatedly shagging a tattoo model?

It works. Looks at Jesse James. He’s married to Sandra Bullock and, because Sandra Bullock is a movie star and already has enough flowers and jewellery and fancy dresses, the only way he can accurately express his love for her is to find the closest tattoo model – uncomfortable fixation on Nazi memorabilia preferred but not essential – and secretly shag her brains out for 11 months. It’s adorable.

True, Sandra Bullock may have misinterpreted Jesse James’s infidelity as a marriage-ending personal insult, but it wasn’t meant like that. After all, Jesse James’s lawyer has released a statement saying that Jesse loves Sandra ‘more than anything in his life’. Sandra’s so lucky – we wish that someone would love us more than they love screwing Nazi fetishists with fish scrawled all over their arms.

Because Sandra Bullock is a world-leader in the field of romantic comedies, she must be able to rouse a small amount of sympathy for her husband Jesse James. After all, his encounter with tattoo model Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee follows the rom-com blueprint exactly. Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy meets other girl who has own collection of Nazi hats and a fondness for having all kinds of unidentifiable crap permanently etched onto her skin, boy shags that girl for 11 months, first girl finds out, girl threatens to leave boy, boy goes to sex rehab and issues humiliating apology.

That’s basically the plot of every film that Sandra Bullock has ever starred in – and yet, despite this, Sandra Bullock seems determined to carry out her promise to divorce Jesse James as soon as possible.

But Jesse James isn’t going down without a fight. He’s realised, arguably too late, that he’s married to one of the most beautiful women on Earth and that no amount of sordid trysts with idiotically-tattooed rednecks who’ve got stupid nicknames and portfolios of distressing Nazi-themed photoshoots can make up for that. How much does Jesse James love Sandra Bullock? Let’s ask ABC News:

“When all is said and done, he wants the same people who were living in his house before all this happened to still be living there,” said his attorney, Joe Yanny. “And he wants to save his marriage with the woman he loves more than anything in his life.”

It’s a bold gambit by Jesse James, but it’s undoubtedly true. He loves Sandra Bullock more than anything in his life. Anything. He loves her more than motorbikes. He loves her more than his dog. He even loves Sandra Bullock more than he loves posing in Nazi hats for photos that will inevitably surface at the least opportune time possible. If publicly declaring that he loves Sandra Bullock more than anything in his life is the only thing that will save his marriage, then Jesse James should be applauded for his actions.

He shouldn’t be applauded for very long, of course, because he’ll need to get back to apologising relentlessly to his own biological children for insinuating that he doesn’t love them very much. But that’s all by the by, right?

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Tagged as: jesse james, Michelle Bombshell McGee, sandra bullock