Recent celebrity scandals have proved that you can go to rehab for crack addiction, alcohol addiction and sex addiction.
But that’s not all. What if you’re addicted to something more specific? For instance, what if you’re not only addicted to sex but addicted to having sex behind Sandra Bullock‘s back with women dressed as Nazis who are so heavily tattooed that you can only assume that the tattooist used their body to aimlessly doodle on during a phone conversation? Is there a suitable treatment for that addiction?
There is! And that’s why Jesse James has just checked himself into rehab. Either that or it’s because he wants to blame his affairs on an illness, rather than the fact that he’s just a bit of a dirty-bollocked bastard. One or the other.
If we’ve learnt anything from the Tiger Woods affair, it’s to instinctively mistrust pornography actresses with too many vowels in their name. And if we’ve learnt anything else from the Tiger Woods affair, it’s that nothing cures serial infidelity like a golf club to the face and a ridiculous car crash. Rehab. We meant rehab. Nothing cures serial infidelity like rehab.
Rehab certainly cured Tiger Woods – you can tell by the way he’ll spend every day until he dies grovelling joylessly to his frosty and unaffectionate wife, rather than having loads of brilliant sex with hundreds of women – and now it’s going to cure Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James, too.
We all know what Jesse James’s problems are – mainly that he can’t help but fall hopelessly in love with anyone who has a fish tattooed on their arm, a collection of Nazi memorabilia in their wardrobe and a tendency to lick knives every time someone points a camera in their direction – but now he’s taking steps to try and fix them.
That’s why Jesse James has headed to Arizona and checked himself into a treatment facility. Hopefully, with the right attitude and enough time and plenty of money, Jesse James will finally be able to learn not to go around poking his todger into anyone with two lines of unreadable cursive tattooed across their face when he’s married to one of the most beautiful women on the planet. MSNBC reports:
“Jesse checked himself into a treatment facility to deal with personal issues,” his rep said in a statement. “He realized that this time was crucial to help himself, help his family and help save his marriage.” While the rep did not specify the type of treatment facility, one source confirms that it was “100 percent his own idea” ? and not the result of an ultimatum from Bullock.
Jesse James should remember, though, that rehab is only the first step to recovery. Sure, it’ll straighten out a few of his problems, but nobody’s going to forgive him for anything until he’s given a wet-faced televised press conference about how sorry he is and then hugged his mother for just a little bit too long afterwards. Worked for Tiger Woods, anyway.
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