So we feel for Jesse James today. He’s finally apologised for his 11-month affair with Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee – a woman primarily known for having a fish with eyelashes tattooed on one of her arms – and God only knows the punishment she’s going to dole out to him. She might drive him around on a bomb-bus like in Speed, or be slightly racist to him like in Crash, or embark on a madcap chalk-and-cheese roadtrip with him that ends with the realisation that – even though they’re so different – they’re actually in love like in every other film that Sandra Bullock has ever made.
Either way, Jesse James should be worried. That was our original point.
Jesse James is married to Sandra Bullock, but he reportedly had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model called Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee. That’s like going out for hamburger when you’ve got steak at home. True, the steak might have gone to see a cosmetic surgeon a while ago and now it can’t move its face properly, but at least it’s not a hamburger. And, specifically, at least it’s not a hamburger that’s got some illegible scripture permanently scrawled across its forehead.
Seriously, you don’t go out for forehead-tattooed hamburger when you’ve got facially-immobile steak at home. Every idiot knows that, Jesse James.
But it seems like Jesse James knows that too. A day after the allegations about him surfaced, Jesse has done the decent thing and apologised for as much as it’s physically possible to do without actually admitting that you cheated on Sandra Bullock. Jesse James told People:
“The vast majority of the allegations?reported?are untrue and unfounded… There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way. This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”
What happens from here is anybody’s guess. Obviously the most sensible outcome would be for Sandra Bullock to realise that she can only make her husband happy if she covers herself from head to toe in all kinds of crappy, amateurish tattoos. True, it might narrow down her field of work to films about fairground workers or romantic comedies set in violent all-woman jails, but that’s a small price to pay for knowing that you’re keeping your man happy.
Or, you know, she could just divorce him or whatever. Either one’s fine, really.