Everyone loves a spin off – and that's scientific fact. From Frasier to Angel to Star Trek: The Next Generation, it's a guaranteed money-making enterprise. Which is why hecklerspray is so surprised that no-one has picked up our script for Castaway 2: The Wilson Years. Those Hollywood imbeciles.

Oh well. Our time will come, we're sure. Let's face it – if Jerry Springer's security guard can get his own television show, then it's only a matter of time before literally everyone in the world is granted a primetime series. Coming soon: Thank God I'm No Longer Sat Atop That Twat's Head, presented by Russell Brand's haircut.

Until then, we'll have to make do with The Steve Wilkos Show.

Anyone who has revelled in Jerry Springer's trailer-trash baiting (a show which looks oddly sedate now, given that we've all gotten used to the monobrowed freaks that Jeremy Kyle hoists at us every day) will recognise Wilkos – he's the bald, musclebound ex-marine who storms onto the stage to break up fights. Chances are – if your name is Tamika and your 37-stone-frame is crammed into an Alabama trailer park for most of the year – you'll have been punched in the face by the man. Or at least told to calm down a bit.

So what kind of show has Stevie-boy been given, then? What sort of format have TV executives decided on? A fishing-based magazine show, perhaps? Maybe a weekly half-hour political debate slot? Or possibly a televisual idiot-fest in which rancid morons shout at each other live in a studio, not so much airing their dirty linen in public as shitting in their pants and stapling them to your forehead?

Guess.

Apparently, during the first show:

Wilkos visits a Michigan prison for an exclusive interview with a woman convicted of offering her seven year-old daughter for sex and pornography.

Christ – sounds like a tasteful, restrained affair all round, then. Much too boring for hecklerspray, in fact – we'll be busy watching Monkey Wars On Ice or Autistic Child Colditz Escape on the other channel.

Or possibly just Emmerdale. We like the scenery.

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