Jerry Lewis Caught With Hands Full Of Empty Gun

Sometimes muscular dystrophy is stopped by well intentioned telethons raising money for its cure, and sometimes to stop it - you have to shoot it all to hell.

Jerry Lewis has tried the former thousands of times. He’s raised hundreds of millions of dollars to fight the disfiguring beast - but it keeps coming back. He raises more money… then it comes back again. It’s as if his efforts are all for nought.

Well Lewis has had it - he’s apparently found out where muscular dystrophy lives, and was flying there to confront it with a bullet-hungry gun. Airport authorities probably don’t care about the welfare of muscular dystrophy, and may even root for Lewis when the final battle goes down, but when they found him with a firearm on the far side of the metal detector, they had to detain him anyway.

Jerry Lewis is 82 years old, Jerry Lewis’ apology to Jesse the illiterate faggot was true and heart-felt, and Jerry Lewis hates diseases that rob people of personal mobility while weakening their bones. This is all we know of the man since he voluntarily retreated from the gleam of the public eye. He has become a mystery, a mystery the world simply must solve.

And so it is another piece to the Jerry Lewis puzzle has been laid before us - he likes to illegally carry guns. It’s unknown what exactly he does with the guns he carries, but we assume he sells them to colour-wearing pre-teens in Compton. We don’t blame him, because as we all know - social security don’t stretch by itself.

On Lewis’ last trip to Compton, though, it seems he forgot to sell one of the guns he kept tucked in the back of his giant grey sweats. Did we mention we’re speculating? But Reuters isn’t:

“Comedian Jerry Lewis was detained by police in Las Vegas late last week when airport screeners found an unloaded gun in his baggage, authorities said on Tuesday. Lewis, 82, had a small .22-caliber handgun when he arrived at the security screening area on Friday at Las Vegas McCarran International Airport, said Officer Ramon Denby, a spokesman for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. The comedian was briefly detained and the gun was seized. Lewis was cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, Denby said.”

Really, this all brings us to the need for more serious gun restrictions implemented within the United States. We have a few ideas. For instance, senior citizen comedians should be banned completely. Also, anyone from the south. Also, you shouldn’t be able to own a gun if you are ugly or seriously retarded. Also if you have diseases you can’t have a gun. This simple measure could help prevent the spread of things like AIDS, bronchitis, and that one sickness where your outer-skin turns rigid like a skeleton.

Can you imagine living in a world without diseases that make your outer skin so bone-like? You won’t have to just imagine it - if you ban all guns.

C’mon people - let’s ban them.

Let’s ban them together.