Jeremy Clarkson: Badass Hoody-Basher

There are several things that you'd expect Jeremy Clarkson to be be questioned by police about - crimes related to dentistry and fashion, for example - but lifting a teenage hoodlum off the ground by his hoody?

Apparently so. Jeremy Clarkson has been in the middle of a police investigation over an incident that took place last month. Supposedly Jeremy Clarkson got angry with a group of youths outside a Milton Keynes ski-centre, picked one of them up by the scruff of his hoody and verbally threatened him. Honestly, what sort of a world do we live in where packs of abusive teenage would-be happyslappers can't even walk the streets without fearing that gangly, outspoken, badly-dressed, middle-aged motoring broadcasters will pick them up and tell them off any more. Someone should lock this Jeremy Clarkson bastard up.

Jeremy Clarkson is a lot like Shaft in many ways. True, Clarkson isn't a black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks - he's a pube-haired 47-year-old television motorist from Chipping Norton - but we hope you can nevertheless understand that Jeremy Clarkson is still a bad mother, and that we're talking 'bout Jeremy Clarkson, so you can dig it.

Mainly, like Shaft, Jeremy Clarkson is a cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about, and that's especially true if that danger is a third of his age and wearing a hoody. Jeremy Clarkson, you see, has been questioned by police for picking up a Milton Keynes teenage boy who was taunting him.

On November 23 Jeremy Clarkson stepped outside the Xscape sports complex in Milton Keynes, where he'd been celebrating his daughter's birthday, when he was apparently set upon by a gang of cartoonishly surly teenagers. Jeremy Clarkson actually wrote about the incident in his column in The Times, so we'll let him continue:

"I asked them politely to leave me alone. I walked away. I even walked away a bit more. But they kept coming. And so, figuring that attack was probably the best form of defence, I grabbed the ringleader by his hoodie, lifted him off the ground and explained, firmly, that it’d be best if he went back to his tenement… So, weirdly, I was standing there holding this boy by the scruff of his neck, and instead of worrying about being stabbed I was actually thinking: “Jesus, I’m going to get done for assault if I’m not careful.” I therefore put him down, and in a flurry of swearing and hand gestures involving various fingers he was gone."

However, a 14-year-old girl who filmed the incident on her phone contacted police about Jeremy Clarkson's behaviour, and he was later questioned. However, after watching the CCTV footage of the Clarkson hoody-bashing, Thames Valley police have stated that there's no evidence that a crime took place so no further action will be taken, while adding that Jeremy Clarkson was probably the victim, if anything.

God knows we've scoured the internet to try and find the mobile phone video of Jeremy Clarkson picking up the teenager and waggling him around - partly to see if his account is true and partly because it'd be funny to see Jeremy Clarkson all red-faced and indignant - but we can't. Send it in if you stumble across it, by all means.

But now we're in the unusual position of having Jeremy Clarkson - a man who can't even open his mouth without offending homosexuals any more - as a sort of champion of moral justice. Which is weird.

The real tragedy here, of course, is that it happened so late in the year. Had all this taken place in, say, May then Jeremy Clarkson would have had the chance to write nine or ten Christmas cash-in books about the incident and the state of today's youth in general - each with an imperceptibly different picture of Jeremy Clarkson's quizzically disgruntled face on the cover - as well as a DVD called Clarkson's Vigilante Justice consisting of 90 minutes of Jeremy Clarkson angrily booting PSPs out of toddlers' hands while hardcore dubstep ragga music plays in the background.

Well, we'd have bought it. 

Read more:

Jeremy Clarkson Quizzed Over Hoody Row - Times