There’s a theory going around saying that the more of Jennifer Lopez’s skin you see, the closer she is to a divorce.

It’s true. It’s why everyone is predicting Jennifer Lopez’s imminent divorce from Marc Anthony because she turned up to the Golden Globes on Sunday wearing three scraps of gold lame that left her back naked. Obviously the divorce can’t be confirmed until we’ve seen at least one buttock and partial sideboob, but it’s enough for now.

Plus, you know, Jennifer Lopez wasn’t wearing a wedding ring at the Golden Globes either. That probably helps too, in retrospect.

Jennifer Lopez, it’s fair to say, is rubbish at keeping secrets. She tried to keep her pregnancy secret, remember, even though she spent months waddling around like a badly inflamed Weeble. And all that stuff about her still being Jenny from the block? If that’s not a cackhanded cover-up to disguise the fact that she’s a rampantly egotistical millionaire control freak then we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

The latest of Jennifer Lopez’s woefully-kept secrets, however, is the perilous state of her marriage to rat-faced Latin star Marc Anthony. If reports are true, then Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will announce their divorce on Valentine’s day, presumably because they’re both actually insane.

But that’s just a rumour. It’s not as if Jennifer Lopez has done anything to fuel the fire, is it? She hasn’t, say, turned up at an internationally-broadcast awards ceremony without her wedding ring while dressed in a frock so barely-there it may as well be a sandwich board reading ‘Are you the next Ben Affleck? Apply within’, has she?

Oh wait, now we come to think of it, that’s the exact thing that Jennifer Lopez did during Sunday’s Golden Globes. Silly us. Still, at least her dress didn’t have gold-on-gold tiger-style accents. That really would be the kiss of death to her marriage. The New York Daily News reports:

Since her 2004 marriage to Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez has gone conservative (by her standards), ditching her notoriously flashy clothes for duds with more coverage. But at the Golden Globes, good ol’ Jenny from the block was back with a vengeance. Lopez sauntered down the red carpet in an extremely low-cut, backless Marchesa gown blinged out with gold-on-gold tiger-style accents.

NOOOOOOOO! It’s over! It’s all over! Jennifer Lopez is definitely getting divorced from Marc Anthony! There’s no way around it!

But, come on, let’s all pull ourselves together. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced, but what does that mean? Well it means we’ll have to say goodbye to the Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony joint tours and the hopeless Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony movie biopics of people who nobody cares about. Somehow we think we’ll cope.

But it’s not all bad news. After she divorces Marc Anthony, the old Jennifer Lopez is bound to resurface. You know, the one who dresses like a chav at a wedding, makes endless identical romantic comedies that all seem to co-star Matthew McConaughey and releases album after album of reedy, watered-down R&B music that she assumes the kids will like even though she’s old enough to be the kids’ mother now.

OK, it is all bad news. Sorry for misleading you.

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