Jennifer Lopez Is Definitely Earning $12million To Definitely Be A Judge On American Idol. Definitely. Possibly.

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Jennifer Lopez has had a tricky life. She’s spoken openly about her abusive, alcoholic background which saw her struggling with alcohol problems herself. Her troubles hit the headlines in ’94 when she set fire to Andre Rison’s tennis shoes in a bath which ultimately burned down the mansion she lived in. After years of being a successful R’n’B singer, she died in a horrible car accident.

Hang on. That’s Lisa Left Eye Lopes.

Arse.

Jennifer Lopez, who isn’t dead, is in fact looking at a massive pay-cheque, $12 million no less, as she looks to have agreed to serve as a judge on American Idol’s 10th season. It has been rumoured for a while, despite shadowy elites trying to trash-talk her, and now, it’s all but formality.

After Simon Cowell decided to ditch the show, presumably because he hates the whole of America, there’s been some holes that have needed plugging on the show and, it would seem that this plug is exactly the same size as J-Lo’s famous bum.

Former Hecklerspray editor Ellen DeGeneres took his place on the show, but alas, it didn’t really work out because she wasn’t really offering the show anything that wasn’t already being said by fellow judge Randy Jackson.

What we’re saying here, under the thinnest of veils, is that she used to copy what he said and it was boring.

So, here comes Lopez who will hopefully be able to muster up an opinion of her own and, fingers crossed, find it within herself to be a real bitch when needed because that’s the whole point of the show – watching people’s dreams cruelly crushed on our television sets.

The pressure will be on for Lopez as her $12 million wage isn’t far from host Ryan Seacrest’s $15 million pay and trumps Randy Jackson’s $8million.

Seeing as Americans are also in the business of hiring talentless, loud-mouthed know-nothings from England, can we just point out that Hecklerspray is filled with idiots willing to be nasty for a fraction of the pay.

PLEASE.

DON’T MAKE US BEG YOU BASTARDS.

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