Jennifer Lopez has finally decided to announce the name of her newborn twins – they're called Max and Emme.
"Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart," you're probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, "They're not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme."
To which we say, do you know what the twins' full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that's what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.
To look at her, you wouldn't think that Jennifer Lopez suited motherhood particularly well. Not only does she give off the appearance of being self-absorbed to the point of dementia, but – if any of her recent movies or singles are any indication – she would recognise an identifiable human emotion if it shat up her nose. Plus, by some desperately unfortunate twist of genetics, Jennifer Lopez was born with a child-bearing arse, and that doesn't solve anything.
But it looks as if it's time for us to be proved wrong. Not only was Jennifer Lopez so concerned about her unborn pregnancy that she didn't announce it to anyone except that crowd of screaming Jennifer Lopez obsessives, but she's also such a loving protective mother that she didn't want to reveal the names of her newborn twins until all the hysteria surrounding it had died down.
Yes, apparently there was hysteria about Jennifer Lopez having a couple of babies. Must've been while we were asleep.
Anyway, now this hysteria – you know, the one that exists only in Jennifer Lopez's head – has gone away, she's decided to reveal that her twins are called Max and Emme, as E! Online reports:
J.Lo and Marc Anthony's newborn twins are—sweetly, simply—named Max and Emme, Lopez's manager, Simon Fields, confirmed to People Friday. The children were born Feb. 22 at a Long Island hospital, with Emme arriving at 12:12 a.m., weighing 5 pounds, 7 ounces, and her 6-pound little brother showing up at 12:23 a.m.
It is simple and sweet for Jennifer Lopez to call her twins Max and Emme. However, before the names were officially announced, an eavesdropping hospital worker apparently heard Jennifer Lopez calling the kids Maximiano and Emelina, so perhaps they're the full names. We've googled both names, and there's a sweet little explanation for each of them. Emelina is a Teutonic name that means 'busy and industrious' while Maximiano was obviously named after either a ropey brand of ice cream or one of the Megazords from a latter-day Power Rangers series.
But, anyway, back to this hysteria. Jennifer Lopez is probably right not to announce that Max and Emme were called Max and Emme immediately, because it's in their best interest to not experience any hysteria at all. After all, this low-key announcement means that Max and Emme can grow up to have normal, low-key childhoods. A childhood that starts with a $6 million exclusive global photo deal with a string of magazines. But that's OK. There's nothing hysterical about that.
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gir says
I think your accusation that she gave birth to human babies is baseless. Have you seen Marc Anthony? He has nictitating membranes.
shawna says
lol, max & emmy are the names from the siblings on dragon tales… way to go jlo…very creative
Jen says
Oh, just wait for the “Max & Erma” jokes to start flying…
bgates says
>> I think your accusation that she gave birth to human babies is baseless. Have you seen Marc Anthony? He has nictitating membranes.
That’s an excellent joke. Hohoho.
Alex says
I was about to say the same thing, her kids will watch the show and think its about them, as they are ALSO hispanic. Mwahahahaha.
Robby D says
Pokemon. Heh.
chris says
This was a really mean-spirited blog. You’re said really hurtful things, it’s not really cool. What ever happened to do-unto-others? Just a thought.
ali says
did anyone know that those are the names of the children on Dragon Tales? that show has been on for years…marc antony has 2 other children who surely watch it…hmmmm. Maybe not so creative?
Esther says
Hahaha. I can’t help but think: “Max and Emme knew what to do / They climbed on the backs of their dragon friends / Now the adventure never endddssss” whenever I read about her kids. The characters on this frequently-aired PBS show are hispanic AND siblings. Coincidental much?
I Stay SMH says
does anyone else notice that those are the cartoon brother and sister from dragon tales?
I Stay SMH says
oh. i guess you did!
lol
Emme says
Did it ever occur to you guys that those are their nicknames? If you have a child would you go out of your way not to name them a name you like because of some stupid kids show? Atleast their names are normal, have you seen Julia Roberts twins names? You wanna make a blog criticizing names, atleast do it on names worth criticizing.