This is because you are a pervert.
When WE think of Jennifer Lopez, we see an angelic figure promoting world harmony, a Churchillian presence preaching peace between nations, and a colossus bestriding the world's political hotspots like some kind of gargantuan Henry Kissinger. And then, admittedly, a ginormous arse.
Well, we're right and you're wrong, because Jennifer Lopez has just cancelled ? for political reasons – a planned gig in the part of Cyprus illegally occupied by Turkish forces since 1974. But don't fret: we hear that North Cyprus has booked Susan Boyle as a replacement to come in and shake her sexy booty for the citizens. Huzzah!
Here?s the background: Jennifer Lopez, the international agent of peace and celebrated shaker of trunkjunk, had agreed to a $3 million contract to sing her songs and fling her buttcheeks around the stage at the opening of a new luxury hotel in Northern Cyprus this month.
However ? and we have no idea how this escaped the attention of the American Ambassador For Astronomical Asses – it turns out that Northern Cyprus is a bit of a political hotspot. The place was invaded by Turks in 1974 and rather than bringing that country?s traditional gift of delight, they actually turned up with guns, grenades and a desire to stay here for quite some time, thanks very much.
A Facebook campaign was ? with terrifying inevitability ? launched, and pretty soon Jennifer Lopez?s publicity people decided to cancel her appearance within the disputed land. Her PR folk chirped:
?Jennifer Lopez would never knowingly support any state, country, institution or regime that was associated with any form of human rights abuse.?
Well good for you, Jennifer Lopez. Though of course, it does mean an end to your lucrative tours of the USA. What's that? Why?
Er, Jennifer Lopez, have you not heard about the USA?s stockpiling of nuclear weapons? About its invasion of foreign countries which pose no realistic threat to their own? About its sequestering of suspected POWs in conditions which would shame an Alabama puppy farm? About the very bedrock document of its country declaring that black people are less than human? Oh, you have heard all that, Jennifer Lopez? But you believe that the USA is infallible, and that only foreigns can be genuinely bad people?
Fair play then, love. You get out there and shake that bootay all across your glorious nation, you flirtatious advocate for international accord, you.