Common consensus suggests that he’s not very good at anything except ‘playing poker‘ and ‘walking around Montreal’, but Ben Affleck (DVDs) now reportedly has ‘fertility’ to add to the list of things he doesn’t suck at.

Reports today are suggesting that his girlfriend Jennifer Garner (DVDs) is three months with his child. It might explain why he asked her to marry him a couple of weeks ago, the dirty sod.

Their story is a typical one. He was playing a rubbish blind lawyer
superhero in a crap film, she was playing a rubbish woman superhero in
the same crap film. He’d been through a public breakup with a lady
whose arse is so big it has it’s own gravitational pull. They fell in
love, she got up the duff, he panicked and they’re getting married.
Almost brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

At least Ben’s learning from his mistakes. His last effort at a relationship, with Jennifer Lopez (DVDs/CDs),
was so massively high-profile that if one of them burped up a bit of
prawn cocktail when they were at a fancy restaurant, it’d be all over
the news.

J-Lo’s album This Is Me…Then contained the song Dear Ben, which was all "I love you, you’re perfect", and the sleevenotes went on to gush – stupidly, in retrospect – "I will always be here for you" – the musical equivalent of getting a full-size back tattoo of the word BEN!

But that’s all in the past. Let’s congratulate the happy couple. And congratulate ourselves that there won’t be a sequel to Elektra coming any time soon!

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[story by Stuart Heritage]