15 lonely, lonely years hecklerspray spent as a three-year-old in the dankest corners of a cob-webby orphanage. That's right – we were three a tad longer than most.
Sterile parents would come through looking for a child to adopt, but
unfortunately we weren't foreign, and our bed sores made our eyes swell
hideously shut. Those two sad factors can lead to a thousand passovers
and walk-bys when you're an orphan – until now. Well no-one really gets
over the eye thing, but the foreign part is good as gone if you're
reading this in America! Yes, one lucky American child may soon find
him/herself being raised by a nanny on Jennifer Aniston's payroll, and in Jennifer Aniston's house, because she wants to adopt.
Or so we heard.
First it was cool to carry dogs in handbags, then it was hip to lick
sleeping homeless people in the face. Now the fad sweeping Hollywood is
adopting malnourished foreign children right out from under their
parents. If you don't believe us, see exhibits A, B & the letter which falls appropriately next in alphabetical succession, whatever it chooses to call itself at this time.
When Jennifer Aniston isn't reuniting with former cast-mates,
her biological clock is really ticking! Some might argue her fragile
window of fertility is slowly closing, while others would argue she
makes a zillion eggs a day and then stores them in Mexican women.
Whatever the case, Jen wants to adopt a homegrown all-American kid –
not no stupid gay-wad alien baby. A dubiously unnamed source tells a
dubious named source:
"Jen has thrown herself into adopting and wants it to happen straight
away. She toyed with the idea while she was with Vince but began
looking in December after they split. She turned to friends for advice,
including Oprah Winfrey, who advised her to adopt an African child, but
she has settled on an American baby."
Word has it Aniston's currently got her lawyers approaching adoption
agencies about child finding possibilities. Think about the proposed adopted child's
life for a minute – one second he's a colliding sperm & egg in the
back seat of a prom night pinto, and the next he's got like a dozen
butlers, an inground swimming pool, and a cupboard full of spam.
Would that we all lived in such unfathomable luxury.
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Jason X says
An American baby? It better be a brown one or my god Jennifer’s going to stand out at the next celebrity adopter meeting…