Here’s some celebrity maths: Jennifer Aniston + family movie about an adorable dog = naked Jennifer Aniston.
It’s obvious! Jennifer Aniston is promoting a film that’s primarily aimed at children, so it’s obvious she’d end up naked on the front of GQ magazine. Really, this is just like when Jodie Foster got her bum out to promote Nim’s Island or when the entire cast of that Narnia film guest-edited that issue of Fat Filthy Knockers magazine.
But, of course, Jennifer Aniston isn’t just naked in GQ for her film – it’s also to show everyone that she’s happy. Happy! She’s happy, OK? HAPPY!
You know what’s old hat these days? Gratuitous celebrity nudity. These days, if a famous woman decides to get naked, it has to be for an important cause. That’s why Khloe Kardashian got naked yesterday, in an effort to raise awareness of the barbaric fur trade. And it’s also why Jennifer Aniston is naked on the cover of GQ magazine this month – because, um…
OK, look, we don’t know exactly why Jennifer Aniston is naked on the cover of GQ magazine this month, but she is, and we think it’s down to one of the following:
1 – To promote her new funny animal movie Marley And Me.
2 – To show the world that she’s completely comfortable with herself, especially after hours of expensive post-shoot digital manipulation.
3 – To show that bitch Angelina Jolie who’s the sexy one. Yeah, you see that, Angelina? You see these sexy naked tits? Yeah, this is why Brad Pitt married me and then, um, ran off with… oh. Nevermind.
4 – Because Jennifer Aniston clearly doesn’t think that the 18 hours of each day that she monopolises by jumping around screaming “Woo! Look at me! I’m Jennifer Aniston! I have a complex love life I’m just dying to tell you about!” in every single publication on the planet is enough.
So, yes, the sight of Jennifer Aniston naked on the cover of GQ might reek of desperation, but at least it stops her prattling on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie like some sort of demented bellend. Doesn’t it?
“The funny thing is that people don’t realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends.” Really? “No. But can you imagine? That’d be hysterical. I’ve got Zahara on my hip, and Knox …”
Oh. It doesn’t.
But, still, it’s worked – the naked GQ cover has got Jennifer Aniston more publicity than she knows what to do with, and we’re sure this will be reflected in Marley And Me‘s opening weekend box office, where it will no doubt break records in reaching the ‘lonely single man who enjoy masturbating to pictures of naked women doing weird squirrelly things with their arms’ demographic.
But don’t forget that there’s still a fortnight before Marley And Me is released, so this probably isn’t the last we’ll see of Jennifer Aniston. But what tricks could she possibly have left in her arsenal? After all, we’ve had the fake pregnancy trick, and the slagging off Angelina Jolie trick, and the desperate plea for babies trick, and now we’re already at the naked in a magazine trick. What could possibly be next?
Well, logic dictates that that if the pattern holds there’ll be a Jennifer Aniston sex tape out in the next few days. But just you cool your heels, Aniston fans – a Jennifer Aniston sex tape wouldn’t be nearly as good as you expect, because chances are it’d also star John Mayer and, you know, people only have a finite amount of vomit they can puke up before they start retching blood.
Julian Mentat says
There’s plenty of things that Ms. Anniston could do for further publicity:
“Jennifer Anniston discovers organic molecules on exostellar planet”
“Jennifer Anniston unites North, South Korea”
“Jennifer Anniston bench-presses 2 metric tonnes”
“Jennifer Anniston restores global economy”
Nothing else will work, I’m afraid.
June Pina says
I really think she is still in Love with Brad….She did the cover like saying….see what you had…i think Brat Pitt likes Beauty…But has come to the paoint in his life , that he wants more of a inside beauty, because that is what last….Jen grow up, and know that you are worth more on the inside, and move on..
Ming says
I don’t think she is still in love with Brad. I think she still hankers for the Alist lifestyle, attention and access to roles in films which being married to Brad Pitt gave her. This is what leaves her bitter and angry and jealous of Angelina.
I mean, think about it. If Jennifer thought there was cheating, why be angry with Angelina? Brad was the one who was married to her at the time.
No Jennifer is mad at Angelina because she knows Angelina makes her look small and petty. And please, that stuff about stealing a man as if he is an handbag. That’s so juvenile even my 17 year old daughter don’t buy it.
anotheropinion says
We are puking at your article – not at Jen. Jen is basically telling you to f off – it is you who doesn’t seem to be getting it…….
She is promoting the movie for a dog maybe, but she is also targeting a BITCH!! HA HA!
Jet says
LMFAO @ “weird squirrelly things with their arms”!! So THAT’S how you describe that fanatic flailing about she does! LOLOLOL
attn: anotheropinion says
What?! You make no sense. How is telling anyone to f off by showing her goodies? I mean is that all she thinks she’s got going? To me that is exactly what she’s saying, “this is as deep as I get.” You ask me, that’s why her Brad lost interest. She’s the same now as she was before they married, during their marriage. This is all there is. She was a good burger but he wanted steak. Substance and beauty trumps t & a everytime.
cec says
Why are YOU talking so much about her?
Xeeman says
Well, well, well, this is just after the complaint she made about people taking things out of context right! and then she gets naked to send what type of message this time about herself? I am not sure who her agent is but someone does not realize that her biggest problem is OVER EXPOSURE. Her interviews and photos make people talk about her, sure, but its mostly negative. A truly talented actress does not need to do all this to make up for a lack of …. If she wants to earn respect as a woman and actress she should be more selective about her roles, no more silly girlfriend roles like Friends, Marley and Me and the other one with her ex Vince ….. She is always playing the girlfriend role in her movies and her acting is average.
Anonymous says
Xeeman! Jennifer is playing a wife with Marley & Me movie & with children too. You are ditching too much, and talk nonsense about her. Angelina Jolie has lots of naked pics online, in the magz and movies compared to Jen. Is that mean Angeline in not talented actress then? lol. I believe Jen is more talented than Angie, when it comes to acting specially on a drama or emotional scene. She just need to find a movie that will show more of her acting ability, not just in comedies. She has a lot to offer when it comes to the entertainment industry, that’s why lots still love her and support her movies and I’m one of them. I love the way she act!.
Laura says
She wants to be Angelina. Scary!
Be caferul Angie. This woman is crazy.
Moab Bomb says
Attn: Anotheropinion said:
“She was a good burger but he wanted steak.”
Damn. Either one sounds delicious right now.
And Laura said:
“caferul”
Thanks-I enjoyed that.
Tina says
Once again a publicity stunt!!
http://www.ekhichdi.com/gallery/rachel-stevens-as-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet
Tina
Beth says
yay!
finite vomit!