An American magazine recently marked the fact that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt split up half a decade ago.

Why? We don’t know. ‘JENNIFER ANISTON: FIVE YEARS AFTER BRAD’ screamed the cover’s headline, possibly because ‘SPECIAL FIVE YEARS OF DESPERATE LONELINESS AND CRIPPLING INSECURITY ANNIVERSARY ISSUE’ was too long or ‘HA HA YOU’RE STILL PAINFULLY ALONE YOU IDIOT’ would have looked too rude. But let’s credit Jennifer Aniston with some maturity here. She completely ignored those headlines and carried on as normal.

Apart from, you know, the bit where she had her entire Beverly Hills home remodelled so it no longer has a ‘his and hers’ theme? But that doesn’t count, does it? It does count? Yowch.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t seem to be able to pick up a newspaper or a magazine these days without being confronted by a photo of Jennifer Aniston, usually on a beach, looking all sad and alone? It it because magazine editors like skimming through hundreds of photos of Jennifer Aniston, picking one where she isn’t smiling, cropping everyone else out of the background and then publishing it to push the notion that Jennifer is the world’s loneliest divorcee?

No, you idiot, it’s because her house used to have two baths in it. Look, you’re Jennifer Aniston. Not only did you used to be married to Brad Pitt, but you used to be married to peak-model Brad Pitt – the Brad Pitt who didn’t walk around looking like he was choking on a pensioner’s merkin all the time. But then he left you – and every time you have a bath, you look over at the empty bath that Brad Pitt should be filling with dead skin and pubes and bum dirt, and it makes you sad.

But the good news is that, if this obviously fictional scenario is the case, we’ll never see Jennifer Aniston sad again. You see, she’s just had her house remodelled. It’s no longer a ‘his and hers’ house – it’s a ‘hers only’ house, with a view to it becoming a ‘hers and her cats’ house if she still can’t manage to find another husband any time soon. Access Hollywood reports:

“[The house] originally had his-and-hers baths, but Aniston has turned the ‘his’ into a spa bath with a soaking tub,” Architectural Digest reported. “The house has a rather glamorous, old-fashioned Hollywood quality. I can just imagine the Rat Pack stopping by; someone is playing the piano, and people are laughing in the next room… It’s like a big hug,” Jennifer said.

Good! It’s absolutely right that Jennifer Aniston should declare herself as a single-minded independent woman! She’s a credit to all the other women in the world who don’t need a man to make them happy. And if you think her man-free home is nice now, just wait until the next stage of development is completed – we’ve heard whispers that it’ll contain an extra large freezer full of ice cream that she can eat right out of the tub whenever she gets a bit down, a knife block shaped like Angelina Jolie‘s face and something called a ‘sobbing dock’. It sounds awesome.

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