It took a while, but we’ve finally found a reason to watch the Oscars – it involves Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.
And sheer, unstoppable violence. After years of false starts and meticulously choreographed social planning, the Long-Awaited, Breathlessly-Anticipated And Borderline-Erotic Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Catfight is due to take place at this Sunday’s Oscars.
What’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie finally meet? We’re guessing either a) a full-on, bloody-nosed, hair-pulling fistfight, b) some sort of awkwardly curt nodded acknowledgement of one another or c) lesbian kissing. We know we speak for all men when we say: Woohoo! Go b)!
This year’s Oscars are going to be exceptionally important for both Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is in line to win her first Oscar for almost a decade, while Jennifer Aniston is hoping to prove that she can get within 200 feet of Angelina Jolie without rugby-tackling her to the ground and trying to rabbit-punch her in the clodge.
It’s been years since Brad Pitt decided that he’d rather have hundreds of little brown babies instead of one white baby with a funny-looking chin and left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and yet Jennifer and Angelina have managed to studiously avoid each other like the plague since then – even if it meant cancelling public appearances.
But no more. No longer will Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie be able to continue their weird little magazine proxy war, because on Sunday they’re going to meet. Face to face. At the Oscars.
And they’re bound to fight. They’re bound to. We hear that – upon sight of Jennifer Aniston – Angelina Jolie plans to shed her children and let them attack Jennifer like a tiny Cloverfeld-style infantry, although Aniston will make easy work of them by repelling them with her unusually shrill voice. And, at that point, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will punch each other on the fist and explode into dust, like at the start of Rocky IV, and then we can all go home.
Or they’ll deliberately be sat at opposite ends of the auditorium and try to remain as dignified as possible because they’re both civilised people. After all, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, is it? The Boston Herald reports:
“(Jennifer) has never been more ready to see her nemesis in the flesh… It’s important for Jen to feel she can stack up to Angelina with her dress, her hair, and her date (John Mayer),” a source told OK! Magazine. “And now couldn’t be better timing. (Jen) has always known this moment would happen… She’s no longer alone – she has a hot man in her life, John Mayer, and she plans to bring him as her date to the party.”
Oh, Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, then. Our mistake. In that case, this is going to be the bloodthirstiest Oscars EVER!
Who’ll win? Who’ll lose? To be honest we don’t care. So long as Ryan Seacreast gets smacked in the face with a stray shoe trying to break them up, we’ll be happy.