Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie: The Oscars Punch-Up, Sunday

It took a while, but we’ve finally found a reason to watch the Oscars – it involves Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

And sheer, unstoppable violence. After years of false starts and meticulously choreographed social planning, the Long-Awaited, Breathlessly-Anticipated And Borderline-Erotic Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Catfight is due to take place at this Sunday’s Oscars.

What’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie finally meet? We’re guessing either a) a full-on, bloody-nosed, hair-pulling fistfight, b) some sort of awkwardly curt nodded acknowledgement of one another or c) lesbian kissing. We know we speak for all men when we say: Woohoo! Go b)!

This year’s Oscars are going to be exceptionally important for both Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is in line to win her first Oscar for almost a decade, while Jennifer Aniston is hoping to prove that she can get within 200 feet of Angelina Jolie without rugby-tackling her to the ground and trying to rabbit-punch her in the clodge.

It’s been years since Brad Pitt decided that he’d rather have hundreds of little brown babies instead of one white baby with a funny-looking chin and left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and yet Jennifer and Angelina have managed to studiously avoid each other like the plague since then – even if it meant cancelling public appearances.

But no more. No longer will Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie be able to continue their weird little magazine proxy war, because on Sunday they’re going to meet. Face to face. At the Oscars.

And they’re bound to fight. They’re bound to. We hear that – upon sight of Jennifer Aniston – Angelina Jolie plans to shed her children and let them attack Jennifer like a tiny Cloverfeld-style infantry, although Aniston will make easy work of them by repelling them with her unusually shrill voice. And, at that point, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will punch each other on the fist and explode into dust, like at the start of Rocky IV, and then we can all go home.

Or they’ll deliberately be sat at opposite ends of the auditorium and try to remain as dignified as possible because they’re both civilised people. After all, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, is it? The Boston Herald reports:

“(Jennifer) has never been more ready to see her nemesis in the flesh… It’s important for Jen to feel she can stack up to Angelina with her dress, her hair, and her date (John Mayer),” a source told OK! Magazine. “And now couldn’t be better timing. (Jen) has always known this moment would happen… She’s no longer alone – she has a hot man in her life, John Mayer, and she plans to bring him as her date to the party.”

Oh, Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, then. Our mistake. In that case, this is going to be the bloodthirstiest Oscars EVER!

Who’ll win? Who’ll lose? To be honest we don’t care. So long as Ryan Seacreast gets smacked in the face with a stray shoe trying to break them up, we’ll be happy.

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Comments

  1. Gibbo says

    Oh, please let it be so. In terms of internet hair pulling, Aniston/Jolie fans are the Heavyweight Championship of the World in Las Vegas, to Brown/Rihanna fans who are a scrap in a pub carpark in Doncaster. On a wet Tuesday.

  2. shianme says

    R U kidding me?? Angelina Jolie SUCKS!!!! I can’t stand women w/no morals and sleep w/married men!!

    Team Jennifer Rocks :)

    love you, Shia

  3. taylor says

    Team Aniston!!!! Angelina is so fake and such a BITCH! I cant stand her interviews where she always acts like she is better than everybody and TRIES to convince the world of her love for Brad, while making fun of him behind his back. She stole her husband by being a SLUT and thats it! How romantic? What a joke- Aniston looks way better and works for her body – unlike than that stick who looks sick and old! I hope her a John laugh at them and take the night!

  4. Andrew says

    I love them both, but I have to side with Angelina here. Rachel (oh I’m sorry, I mean Jennifer) has done nothing decent since Friends.

  5. Alice says

    I’m on Angelina’s side here…by the way shianme..You talk about morals…Aniston spoke about Brads kids in the magazine interview.. You can talk smack on your ex but bringing his kids in it and mentioning them by name was low but then again looks like she has to make some kind of publicity for herself since she is a B actress.. sorry but staring in a movie where the dog got more laughs and showed more talent doesn’t count.
    And hey Taylor.. you think Jolie is a B…h.. well do you know her? You think she “tries to be better than everyone else?” The only people that are laughing are the ones at you right now

  6. Sara says

    Why is this news? Who cares if they are both at the Oscars. I’m sorry to tell you but the ral actress is Angelina Jolie and she deserves to be at the Oscars. Can’t you people who are on this Jennier Aniston bandwagon just let it be. It is obvious that Brad has moved on and it’s very disturbing that after what.. 4 years now that Aniston has not. What.. she saved his voicemails? Hey I also heard she spoke about his kids in that Magazine interview! LOW CLASS

  7. Samantha says

    Angelina you are a witch and a whore! Look at all the drama you caused an innocent person who did nothing to you. Burn in hell you skank and I’m not even religious. I hope you get help for that borderline personality of yours. Brad Pitt one day the world is going to say I told you so. You’re an idiot and probably just as sick as Jolie. Jolie’s career is only propped up by hooking up with you. Apart from Changeling her films have been parodies of one another. Brad can’t act. He’s a movie star. Hugh Jackman can act so keep your witch claws away from him AJ.

  8. like that matters says

    Fugly’s been freaking out for the past two weeks. This is it. She’s about to meet her nemesis face to face. What to wear, what to wear… oh yeah! She’s got a hot body! She’ll show that hussy who’s better! If you got it, flaunt it. Fugly decides to go for it.
    .
    Fugly appears on the red carpet in a skin-tight, crotch-high black minidress, extra-long extensions woven into her head, chandelier earrings flashing like strobe lights, diamond necklaces reflecting the light, diamond bracelets clattering on her wrists like castanets, six diamond rings on the hand that is clamped around Mayer’s upper arm like a steel vise. Fugly looks like an animated Christmas tree, cheesing for the paparazzi. Won’t she look great on the tabloid covers!
    .
    Smash cut to Brad and Nemesis emerging from their limousine and advancing slowly up the red carpet while the crowd goes wild, Brad dressed in Tom Ford, hand clamped firmly to Nemesis’s butt, Nemesis the picture of understated elegance, looking serene and lovely in a long gown. Brad catches sight of Fugly, squeezes Nemesis’s butt, catches her eye, nods towards Fugly. Nemesis looks at Fugly glittering like a circus attraction and has to bite her lip to keep from bursting out laughing. Brad and Nemesis walk up to Fugly and her boytoy, Fugly wearing a strained smile, boytoy ogling Nemesis’s cleavage. Nemesis gives Fugly a radiant smile and tells her how cute she looks in that outfit.
    .
    Now cute wasn’t the effect Fugly was striving for at all, and she suddenly realizes that next to Nemesis’s serene elegance, she looks like a Sunset Strip hooker. Fugly wishes she could sink through the red carpet. It doesn’t help that boytoy continues to ogle Nemesis with his mouth fallen open. Boytoy finally manages some lame joke to Brad along the lines of wanna swap?, and Brad gives a you-gotta-be-shítting-me laugh and guides Nemesis up the red carpet and into the theater. Fugly has a look on her face like she needs to take a very large dump. Boytoy looks at Fugly, comes back down to earth with a jolt, his face assumes a what-the-hell expression, and they disappear into the theater in Brad and Nemesis’s wake.

  9. ligaya says

    Haaaay, TEAM ANGIE!
    Which do you prefer- a sexy body that cannot make babies or a smokin body (Angie) that can handle all the babies in the world? :D

  10. cc says

    Who cares! Why is Jen going to the OSCARS? Why is JM being Jen’s mouth peace? Jen, we are not as stupid as you imagine! Go to Mexico and do you pool side yoga with your itsy bitsy bikinis. Why go to the OSCARS?

  11. Kelly says

    How has Jennifer not moved on Sara? She is totally in love with John Mayer.
    Aside from that she and Brad remain good friends and chat with one another.
    It seems to me that the only ones who have not moved on are people like you and others who can’t let these 4 people have their private lives. No one knows
    these people and frankly 98% of what the media prints is lies as Angelina has
    said. Do you really think that either of these 4 people spend their days worrying about each other? I really doubt it. I like them all and look forward to watching the Oscars and seeing both Angelina, a great Mom, and Jennifer a great person dressed up looking beautiful as always.

  12. Annie says

    I just read all the above post and I totally agree with Kelly. You people sound
    like children calling other nasty names. I guess the rest of us can’t be perfect
    like you guys. Grow up.

  13. Sue says

    I also read the above posts and isn’t the world a sad place for some people……they go to the Oscars their in the same room with their respective partners and they have a good night….who is making it into a shitfight …the media…why….can’t people just get on..isn’t there enough trouble happening in the world without turning this into a media frenzy and getting people to take sides…these two are people with feelings please let them be and hope they have a good night.

  14. Aleksis says

    Jesus Christ. People ACTUALLY take the Jolie/Aniston thing seriously, don’t they?

    Where’s Brad Pitt in all of this? People are always blabbing about the (lack of ) “morals” of Jolie – when Brad Pitt’s just as, and probably more, guilty than her, yet never seems to enter the discussion as far as moral judgement is concerned.

    Yawn. Sexist culture strikes again.

  15. Tiffany says

    They all suck… Brad and Angie wont win, their acting wasnt even that good in the movies they were nominated in, but they were only nominated because the people at the Oscars wanted an audience to actually WATCH it this year, so they needed the most annoying couple on the planet to be nominated…..Jen, why is she even going?? her movies are all the same and suck for the most part, but hands down she has a smokin hot body that puts Angie’s scrawny orphansucking hypnotic vajayjay to shame. John Mayer is a douchetool who needs to keep his mouth shut about his relationship with Jen and just sing his damn annoying songs(I must say he is a talented singer/songwriter though)… Maddox the Messiah is the King of the World and is the only one who will make all this wrong right..

  16. says

    Go, Team Ariston.

    What? My washing machine hasn’t broken down in eight years. That’s good going these days, isn’t it?

    Oh. Aniston. Sorry, my mind was elsewhere.

  17. Jenfraud says

    Aniston is appearing with a funny man Jack Black— yes she is a COMIC SIDE KICK who is billed for Oscar TV rating on her PITY stock LOL!!! How pathetic, facing the DOUBLE NOMINEE, the prestigious Jolie-Pitt couple. The stupid woman doesn’t even realize her agent SOLD her for the Academy to boost TV ratings. A comedienne who ‘entertains’= SERVICES the REAL stars Jolie-Pitts. This is absolutely the best!

  18. Beth says

    I really hope this Jen vs Angie fan-feud never ends. I want it to escalate. I want the gang war and it’s 4-digit death toll to be in the American History textbooks my grandchildren study. Ryan Seacrest can narrate the documentary.

  19. viewer says

    In a FACE to FACE’s show, Jen is not the one who should feel shameful or uneasy. But she will heart broken seeing her hubby with other woman. If I was her, I would choose to avoid them, instead. I want to keep a beautiful image of my hubby in my heart.

  20. blady02 says

    I agree that Pittiful and his skanky sidekick won’t win a damn thing, they are pathetic as actors! Jennifer is the winner here, Pittiful stinks from never bathing and that heroin addict mommy dearest is a has been. Jennifer is a classy woman with values and morals and real talent! Her movies have topped the charts far more often than the Pittiful team! Rock on Jen! Watch and see the photos will show skankalina sneering when the crowd cheers the beautiful Aniston!

  21. Sach says

    Irealize some things happen for a reason, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. However, in this case, Brad missed the boat on it. Angelina is great,but not sure why he did what he did. In the end, this was a huge mistake for all parties involved. Brad Pitt should still be “The Man” in hollywodd, but unfortunetely, his stock has dropped earlier than it should’ve.

  22. Winston says

    ed said:

    “who cares about any of them , they make money we dont.”

    Speak for yourself, impecunious ed.

  23. Kate says

    ANGELINA IS AMAZING – Every woman and girl want to look like Angelina!
    Brad left Aniston because it is obvious he don’t love her – He now has this beautiful, beautiful family. Aniston should stop this bizarre obsession.
    He obvious never said to her “I love you”, because he didn’t, she should go away and stop this craziness.
    About John Meyer, his public Affairs is his favourite way to be the target of the midia, he will be gone soon too.
    Yet, Angelina and Brad are not maried, they are bound by the love.

  24. Jenn says

    Brad better watch out,If he loves her for sure it will be a big line to raise his kids.Opposite of Jeniffer that have to go and hunt for a man, who get John Meyer is because has no option! And Brad, please, also is not the great!!
    I don’t think that Jolie cares about Jennifer – she has 5 kids to be worry about – who is Jennifer for her? “Probably Irrelevant”

  25. Hellen says

    Jen has been, is now, and will always be more beautiful, smart and adorable woman, she is free to do whatever she wants, the other piece of trash should stay at home taking care of her kids, oh i forget! she never does that! and still the idiot of Brad thinks she is a super mom! jajajaaa

  26. B says

    Definitely TEAM ANISTON!!!!!!!
    I love the way Jeniffer pulled it off last night… moved on… infront of her ex… loved it…
    And also tiny message for both J and A: WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND…

    And for people that havent seen anything decent with Jen since friends… try Derailed!!! Amazing!!!

  27. Nun On The Run says

    Every man knows a good woman is hard to find. When the man finds the right one, he never wants to leave her. He might cheat on her, but never leave her for another woman. Brad left Jen for a reason. It might not have been that she wasn’t a good wife, but she wasn’t what he looked for in a wife. If a man leave you, you should think about what it is about you that makes him want to leave you. When you find that there’s nothing wrong, you should think of it as his loss & move on. It’s been how many years & Jen is still moping & talking about Brad & the recorded tapes. The only way a woman is still crying about lost relationship is because she’s regretting, wishing she’s done things differently. Either that or her ego is so big or she’s so competitive that she can’t admit defeat. Move on already. Everyone looks at her like an innocent victim, but how many boyfriends have she gone through since her break-up with Brad? He’s still with Angie (the only woman) since their split. She’s a victim, but yet so many pictures of her in her barely there outfits, all over Vince Vaughn & John Mayer. The only pictures we’ve seen of Brad & Angie are when they’re enjoying family time. Never in any skimpy outfits, all over each other. I guess that’s their respect towards Jen. As a strong woman, you should move on graciously & make the man regret what he’s lost. The way Jen handles things just makes Brad realize that he’s made the right decision. And Jen, you’re only funny when others write your materials for you. Don’t try to be funny by making jokes about the Brangelina kids, they’re not funny. It just makes you look little & pathetic. If you want to throw punches, throw them at the adults, not the kids.

  28. Carnal says

    we pan the cameras to the moment jennifer barf anniston walks to the podium with jack black – flash immediately to team Jolie sitting there with mischeivious glee in their eyes and immediately there is tension all across america and that weirdo from that cable fashion show is peeing his pants in excitement

    jens joke are bombing all over the place and jack black looks embarrassed to be seen with her – not even jack can save this total catastrophe and then jen true to form stutters on one of the lines with the most uncomfortable pause while the cameras flash back immediately to team Jolie who look like theyve just eaten a small bird and is that a trace of absolute satisfaction on the lips of angelina?

    team Jolie dance the night away in a place that wouldnt even let jennifer sweep the floors for and they go home and make passionate hot monkeysex while laughing at jennifers photo all night.

    and those people who want everyone to grow up? screw yourselves you morons – thats just the way the world is run. get over it.

  29. Nun On The Run says

    YOU KNOW WHAT JO? IT DID HAPPEN TO ME. And guess what? I moved on great. I realized my mistakes from the old relationship (whether from my side or his) & not let it happen again in my new one. I have all the love & respect from my husband. Jen jumps from relationships to relationships. If she values herself, she would learn from her past & not let any man disrespect her again. Look what John Mayer did to her? She’s still with the jerk who publicly humiliated her and yet Brad was the one missing the sensitive chip? In life, you get what you settle for. Jen just wants to prove that she’s still hot & get all the “in” guy, even if it means settling for a jerk. She claims that she wants a baby, but yet she’s running around taking nude photos to prove that she’s still hot. Is that a behavior of a wanna-be-mom? Don’t get me wrong, her body is very nice. But when you’re hot, you’re hot. You don’t have to do anything to prove that you are. Angie is just naturally hot without having to try anything. Jen is beautiful, but she’s so insecure that she needs to have people reassuring her. Poor thing. I guess Jen & John are made for each other. She needs people’s approval & he needs to stay in the spotlight (even if it means that he has to insult his “classy” girl). Jen looked like a scared cat at the Oscars, John looked like he still couldn’t believe to be among so many stars, while Brad & Angie looked radiant & accomplished.

  30. Nun On The Run says

    OH ONE MORE THING JO. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You & I might not agree with each other’s, but that doesn’t mean that we should have ill wishes toward others. From what you wished upon me, it tells me alot about your character.

  31. Alex says

    I don`t know why people are only bashing Angie…after all, Brad Pitt was MARRIED not Angie. Sure she is reponsible, but he is the one who should not have done it! He bears the responsibility. If he really loved Aniston, he would not have gone to Angie…

  32. Alex says

    To Hellen:

    Try taking care of 6 children yourself. She seems to be doing a great job together with Brad. I don’t care either for Angie or Jenn, but Angie seems to be doing her mommy duties very well and Aniston seems to be happy with her life with JM!
    Angie is doing what she wants together with her family. They are a beautiful family and Brad seems to be very happy with her. Obviously Brad was just not that into Jenn and you should definitely try and accept that once and for all!

  33. Battle of the Beauties says

    I for one love Brad Pitt! He’s Hottttt and I think both ladies have accomplished quite a bit. Brad Pitt being the number one, most important accomplishment of all. Bravo Ladies!! A creation as fabulous as Brad Pitt should most definitely be shared!! I say a threesome is in order!

  34. blady02 says

    Jen out classed Jolie by far! The general public see her as an asset instead of a cheating ass, no moral, pot smoking, baby buying for publicity, heroin, cold mommy dearest, tatoo toting skank! Jen rocks! Many many people pay to see her movies, that can’t be said for the Pittiful and his sidekick who many have banned! I can’t wait for the day when Pittiful and jolie dump one or the other and those poor kids destined for juvenile delinquency and drugs and JOLIE’s favorite knives and viles of blood, what a mother figure! BLAHHHHHHAAAAAA!

  35. says

    Team Angelina!!! Even thought she MIGHT have stolen Brad, Brad’s really happy with Ange now. Jen should just get over him…
    Anyways, Angelina Rox!!!
    By the way, she’s way hotter also.
    It’s a wonder that Jen didn’t start a catfight at the Oscars

  36. Nun On The Run says

    Blady02

    I’m not sure if you know anything about class. The way you talk about what the kids will become shows that you have no class at all.

    To all those Angie haters:

    You guys keeps saying that Angie looks skinny & horrible looking. How silly is it to compare a lady with 6 kids & one with no kids. I personally think that Angie ruled the red carpet Sunday. She looked amazing & still on the top list of sexiest woman alive. Wait until Jen has 6 kids then you guys can compare to Angie.

    To those who think Brad Pitt is a cheating dog:

    Just because he left Jen for Angie didn’t mean he cheated on her. They could have had problems without people knowing. Jen made fun of Brad & his family, but he never once said a bad thing about her. She played her innocent-victim role so well, that all people saw was Brad the dog & Angie the tramp. But if he were a dog, why is he still with an ugly, skeleton (as you guys describe her) who has 6 kids? Why did he leave the beautiful, innocent, no kids Jen? THINK ABOUT IT PEOPLE.

  37. Joke Police says

    I think it was probably because she threw his car keys out the window or something. I’m surprised she didn’t get a kicking.

  38. says

    Who the PIIIIP! Please people, go on with your lives. Are you so bored that you have to bad mouth every person? Leave Angelina, Brad, Jennifer and John alone. There is nothing you can say or do to change ANYTHING! Do you really think if you go along with team aniston or team jolie things will change. Only they can do something. So.. shhh

  39. Canuck says

    And worse yet JP, she was obviously wasting his sperm out, so it was ok that he cheated on her, better than a beating I guess. Keys are nothing next to those sacred little tadpoles…

    And it quite obviously has zero to do with the man hitting his 40’s and having the classic mid-life crisis, trading in his wife for a younger model and that sort of thing… nope, no sirree!

  40. letty says

    AJ is not married to Brad but JA was yet AJ is the mother of BP’s kids. So who is the queen to BP’s heart ? I supposed the one who has put her life and reputation at stake than a whinney cracker who did nothing but put BP on display during the time BP was whith her, no real love there just plain professional advantage.

  41. Canuck says

    Angelina “The Fame Vampire” Jolie had a reputation to actually put at stake? ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! You must mean the knife wielding nut-job, heroin addict, brother french kissing, vial of blood wearing, bisexual S&M aficionado homewrecker reputation?

    “Queen of BP’s (cheating) heart”? Is that supposed to be some sort of a prize or something? Have you any idea how easy it is to seduce a man going through mid-life crisis, especially if he isn’t as smart as you? And then QUICK, pump out a few babies to make it much harder for him to do to you what he did to his last wife/woman. AJ is no dummy, she went in for the kill immediately.

  42. Madelyn says

    ANGELINA IS THE ONE WHO IS UGLY jEN IS PRETTY AND ok NEEDS TO STOP MAKING FUN OF HER CHIN! ANGELINA HAS BIG FALSE PLASTIC UGLY LIPS AND SHE IS A FLILTHY WHORE WHO BRANGELOONIES FALSELY WORSHIP I HOPE SKANKELINA DIES SOON I HATE HER

  43. Madelyn says

    I have to laugh that I am back on this website! Ha Ha! I just want to say I thought of a new name for Skankelina! Forehead! She is such a butt ugly whore!If people are going to make fun of Jen’s chin then they really should make fun of ugly Skank’s big gross forehead!