Witless spunk-haired trolls Jedward yesterday confirmed their credentials as unbearable oxygen-thieves by stating that, after hearing of X Factor host Cheryl Cole’s hospitalisation with malaria, “it will be a big funeral”.

Ignoring the massively inappropriate nature of the statement, hecklerspray can only imagine what the attendance would be for the wake following the soon-to-be death of their career. One tabloid showbusiness sub-editor and three 14-year-olds with gender-identity issues we would think.

The interview with 3am.co.uk began with complete delusion as John stated “we’d better call her” when he heard the news. Yeah, because that’ll definitely help, you hopeless gonk. She’s probably on the edge of her hospital bed waiting for it, insisting staff let her turn her mobile on because “Jedward might call”.

Edward compounded this by saying “I’m like Cheryl’s twin because I hurt myself. She hurt herself. Two great people hurting themselves…”

We don’t know where to start with that one. For one Edward is NOT like Cheryl’s twin. He is like John’s twin, because HE IS JOHN’S TWIN. Cheryl did not ‘hurt herself’; she contracted a life-threatening disease. Edward hurt his foot while jumping about like a spastic marionette. ‘Two great people’? Christ.

Jedward’s spokesperson has reportedly said: “The boys would never mean any offence to anyone.”

If that is true we sincerely hope they fulfil their true destiny of a career as anonymous call-centre employees and never trouble the general populace ever again.

Hopefully rumours of a reality show have been circulated just to make our brains shrivel with dread. ‘Dreadward’. Ha.

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