Everyone loves the Irish – after all, the inhabitants are loveable knee-high critters who ply you with pots of gold and lucky charms.

Yesterday marked St. Patricks day, or to people who aren’t native to the country, Guinness day”. That’s right, novelty hats were a go-go, alongside chunky black vomit.

But the good name of Ireland was tarnished last year when novelty TV show X Factor came back to our screens. Normally we can put up with the show’s creations, such as crying boy Leon Jackson and the slightly more upbeat Leona Lewis clone known as Alexander Burke. However, two brothers known as Jedward united the UK in a little bit too much hatred. And they’re still refusing to die.

For an act that couldn’t sing or dance, Jedward seemed to progress every week. However they got the last laugh and managed to gain a record deal and a single with failed rapper Vanilla Ice. But in a whirlwind week, this all changed.

Alongside the 2009 X Factor winner, known as the toothy Geordie boy, Jedward are the only ones to have released a single so far. Signed to Sony, they released a song that could only be described as a musical nightmare made by the sound of two elephants expelling the contents of their stomach after a dodgy kebab. Amazingly, people must like the sound of this, because it peaked at number two. That’s right, a rubbish number two.

Even though they almost reached the top of the chart, it wasn’t good enough for Sony, who dropped Jedward from its lists of acts. After all, why invest in living breathing talent when money can be spent on constantly re-releasing old Michael Jackson muck for fans to lap up at £15 a pop. No wonder we failed basic business school.
Whilst a lot of people respected the decision of Sony to give the charts some credibility, minus the possible releases of future Nickleback records, a Jedward-free future wasn’t meant to be. The Sun reports that Sony described Jedward as:

“Nothing more than a novelty act.”

Hold on a second! So you mean two Irish teenagers performing songs by Britney Spears and some sort of weird medley to Ghostbusters weren’t meant to be taken seriously? Well shit down on us. We’ll have to go to the opticians and get the smoke removed from our eyes. That really is a massive surprise to us.

Feeling dejected and down we imagine that Jedward consoled themselves with the loss of their record deal by sucking on a potato. But wait, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that Universal records don’t see them as a novelty act and want to sign them! After all, it already has novelty acts such as Lady Gaga, who spends more time wearing outfits made out of cow vomit; that crazy drug-taking Amy Winehouse and all round bloody annoying peace crusaders U2. Jedward’s mentor and manager Louis Walsh said:

“I’m completely committed to Jedward and I know they still have a great career ahead. The boys have a sell-out tour in Ireland straight after The X Factor Tour in April.”

Literal translation being “Until the end of April I can milk them dry before reducing them to gigs at Butlins”.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter