Jay-Z Thinks Britain Is Pretty Much Fudged

Jay-Z famously said that he has 99 problems. Not a 99 with a flake and strawberry sauce, mind you.

Other than that, he never really let on as to what they were. Could he never get his homemade lasagna right without burning the top or spoiling the sauce? Or is Beyonce better than him at changing tyres? Honestly, we just don’t know.

When MPs decide to speak out to the yoof to encourage everyone to eat organically, drive battery-operated cars and skip hand in hand together, they get laughed at. What would a bunch of stuffy old men know? Clearly nothing compared to a middle-aged American rapper like Jay-Z. He thinks he’s definitely the sort of person who could pop a cap in British society and make it work again.

There seems to be an unwritten rule that, if you are famous, you have the right to badger on about things that have nothing to do with your normal field of work. Just look at Ireland’s biggest annoyance, Bono. From religious leaders to politicians, he’s the biggest celebrity bumlicker going.

So what’s upsetting Jay-Z in the old political world? It seems that politicians are out of touch with the kids, especially in Britain. Everyone can agree that Gordon Brown is slightly different to Barack Obama. After all, one lives in a bigger house, can kill flies with his bare hands and doesn’t look like a tit on chat shows. In an interview with The Sun, Jay-Z said:

“I’ve never met Brown or Cameron but Britain needs to look at America and Obama to see how he did it. He connected with the young and gave them something to believe in. He made references to rap and let the kids know they were accepted. Britain needs a leader who can do the same, who understands the youth and deals with their needs and what they have to say.”

So how could the two main UK political leaders change their image to appeal to the hoodies of society? Using our political merit, we’ve again solved the crisis. Gordan Brown may want to pay particular attention before he bullies any more members of staff into doing something stupid:

1 – Gordon Brown launches a new bank holiday celebrating pirates. Minus living on a ship, forcing the Conservatives to walk the plank, owning a parrot and having a peg leg, Gordon Brown is pretty much already a pirate, mainly in the eye department. If he simply wore a patch, he’d gain tons more votes. Especially in the sea community.

2 – With most of the general population going out on Fridays and Saturdays to drink themselves into oblivion, David Cameron has the chance to do a tour of various cities and get pissed with the ‘normal man’. He could get lashed in Bradford and piss in a letterbox in Cornwall whilst voters look on. Who wouldn’t love to hear his manifesto over a greasy kebab with extra garlic mayo?

Based on expenses scandals and most politicians thinking that London is the only city in Britain, it seems unlikely that moods will change any time soon. Unless there’s a WWE punch up in the Houses of Commons, no-one will probably care, well that’s unless they both unite against The BNP.

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