Janeane Garofalo Not a Lesbian After All, Was Secretly Married for 20 Years

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Janeane GarofaloGrumbly little comedian Janeane Garofalo recently revealed that she was married for over twenty years to comedy writer/producer Rob Cohen … but neither of them realized it. If you are left wondering how it’s possible to get married and not realize it, then you have never been to Las Vegas.

Janeane and Rob met in the early nineties when working on The Ben Stiller Show and dated for awhile. One romantic night, while fucked-up in Las Vegas, they got married! Because they didn’t mess with any of the formalities, they didn’t think the marriage was legal.

“We got married at a drive-through chapel in a cab. [We thought] you have to go down to the courthouse and sign papers and stuff, so who knew?”

Jump ahead twenty years and Rob is planning a more traditional, less alcohol-fueled wedding to Jill Leiderman, a producer on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” (I should note that the idea that Rob and Jill’s wedding will be more traditional and less alcohol-fueled is purely my assumption … it’s quite possible that they also intend to get hitched at a drive-through while shit-faced.) In preparation for the wedding, Rob’s lawyer discovered that surprise! Rob was already married to Janeane. I’m sure Jill thinks it’s hilarious!

There are two things that confuse me about this situation. First, I always thought Janeane Garofalo was a lesbian. Second, everyone knows that everything in Las Vegas is binding. The herpes you catch, the money you lose, the wedding vows you take. That’s what makes Vegas so wonderful!

Janeane Garofalo and Rob Cohen

Sadly, Janeane and Rob did legally divorce last Saturday in New York City. I hope that this unusual turn of events doesn’t tip Janeane off the ledge that she always seems to be balanced so precariously on. She always gives the impression of being unstable and unhappy, and this marriage twist adds to the argument that her perpetual grumpiness is a result of a lifetime of bad decisions.

Evidently, she turned down leading roles in several big deal movies, including Courteney Cox’s character in Scream; Renee Zellweger’s character in Jerry Maguire; and Helena Bonham-Carter’s character in Fight Club. She turned down Fight Club because she wasn’t comfortable with the sexual content, which is complete nonsense. I can only assume that she didn’t realize that the film’s sexual content would have involved her getting down with Brad Pitt back when he was still awesome. Very very bad choice, Janeane. Very bad choice.

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